The Power of Kindness Defeats Failure on a NJ Run

I was trudging along shuffling my feet in an exceedingly slow run. My running partner Anthony was off in the distance, and I kept my eyes locked on his green vest. Sometimes he was just a small faraway glimmer in the darkness as it was the wee hours of the night. What I needed was rest and time to sleep but the one thing we did not have was time. We were way behind on our schedule of running the length of New Jersey from the Southern point of the Cape May Lighthouse to the High Point Monument.

There were three of us planning to do this epic run which Anthony and I had completed in the reverse direction two years earlier. Yet on the first day there were some signs that this trek might be more difficult than the first. Dave, the third runner, had a work emergency the night before we ran and was having difficulty keeping up with the pace we needed to maintain in order to finish by Sunday. He languished for a few hours trying to stay with it but in the end in the early evening he pulled out and just decided to help my wife crew us. Something that he was amazingly good at.

Anthony and I maintained a brisk pace after that to make up for lost time, but we arrived at our rest stop, a friend’s house exhausted about five hours behind schedule. We had also run for twenty-four hours straight and been awake for over twenty-five hours.  

We started the next day great, but we had started so much later than we had anticipated so that by the time we got to the early evening we were still well behind. Now I was the one who was struggling. I could feel that I needed to sleep but our designated rest area was miles away and it looked like we would not arrive there till the sun was coming up. Anthony and Dave were worried about me. While doing math after running over 100 miles with almost no sleep is near impossible for me. I was aware enough to know that we could not finish until sometime that Monday.

Then Dave and Anthony suggested let’s finish as a relay. Each of us doing a leg. I was not thrilled with the idea because it felt like a failure to me of not covering every mile, but I had no choice but to agree. I then tried to sleep in the back of the car with some modicum of success. Anthony, who was by far the strongest runner went on to the next designated stop. He was hopeful that he could complete the run. We had decided to go “lean and mean” no major crew no long pit stops. Dave and I, taking turns with Anthony and driving to the next stop. At the moment we had two vehicles with Sebastion who worked with Dave driving his pickup and carrying half the gear.

I was still dejected about my performance when we got a call and it was Anthony. He was in really bad shape at the next stop. We got him in the car to warm up because he was very cold. The temperature had dropped, and he was tired. I felt that it was all over at that moment. I even called my wife Patty, and said I am not sure if we will make it. Dave then took the next leg just before sunrise. I had scouted the route that he would be on and was glad that the sun would come up because it was a beautiful area on country dirt roads with horse farms.

I drove to the next stop, which was the ShopRite in Chester as did Sebastion. He was going to empty his truck and we would reload our Honda CRV. It was bleak. We had all the gear strewn in the parking lot and began repacking the car. I was mentally defeated, and Anthony’s body was physically beaten. The thought of going on because I had the next leg seemed farfetched. I had also posted that we had switched to a relay format so that people did not feel obligated to cheer us on or run with us.

I was trying to come to grips with my failure in the parking lot. I knew that there was no way I could continue. My spirit was just a warm ember. Then something miraculous happened. This run was dubbed the New Jersey Kindness Run espousing the power of kindness. Yet I, the most vocal proponent of its power would be surprised by its strength.

It started innocently enough Patty and my niece Anna arrived with some food and support. Then my brother Greg showed up. Then my friend Dan arrived soon after because he wanted to run his first ultra-marathon. He was excited to run the next leg. Then to my surprise Rose and Rob arrived. I had known Rose for years through work and had always liked the two of them. Nicole who was a friend of Anthony shows up, and she is over eight months pregnant. They were all excited about our accomplishment so far. While I was down on our achievement, they were the opposite.

Dan was excited to begin his ultra journey. Then Rob said he was running as well. My wife looked at me and she was the one I had confessed my failure too. Then she said “You have no choice but to run.” I smiled because I knew that she was right. Besides that their positivity and kindness had not only touched my heart but lifted my spirits. I ran nine miles with Rob and Dan and it was great. We were not doing a blistering pace but we were chatting and having fun.

As we came into the next stop which was a large QuickChek I saw the cars in the back and they were cheering for us. I was happy but then tears welled up in my eyes when I saw my daughter there cheering me on with a sign that said “That’s my dad!” She and her boyfriend had driven in from Connecticut to cheer us on. Then my cousin showed up and my sister and brother-in-law. Followed by Bethany, a former school board member I had worked with. It was a party! We had chairs opened up the back of the cars opened it looked like a tailgate party. In fact, one guy driving by rolled his window down and asked “Where’s the firepit?”

More people joined as we traveled from one leg to the next. My mood was completely shifted. I was happy and energized. When I ran my next leg with my other brother Gerald as well as Dan. I was not trudging I was running with joy. Anthony even commented to me about how great it was to see me laugh and smile. Even when I glanced at my phone, I could see the positive messages appearing on my feed. It was so uplifting.

In the wee hours I was at my darkest and lowest point. I was not sure I could go on. Yet the support and kindness of my friends and family had lifted me up out of that funk. I am pretty sure I would not have finished if it was just the three of us doing it. That is the power of kindness. It lifts up individuals when they need it the most.

I think that is a very important lesson. You do not need to run an ultra-marathon to hit a low point. It happens in life. We need others to show us kindness and support.

Someone said to me after we had finished our running journey. You must be “basking in your achievement.” “No” I said. “I am basking in the support, love and kindness that my family and friends showed me.”  If I have a great achievement in life, it is to have so many kind and supportive family and friends in my life.  Maybe that is the key to great individual achievement. Realizing that it is not an individual effort and that you received kindness along the way.

Recognize those Kindness Opportunities

Sometimes practicing what you preach is not always easy. I have recently been preaching that we should all practice the act of kindness more. It was one of my lessons from my first run of the length of New Jersey from its most Northern point the High Point Monument to the Southern at the Cape May Lighthouse. I am again attempting this feat though in reverse from South to North and this time even naming my attempt the New Jersey Kindness Run.

Yet while it seems easy to practice kindness especially with family and friends, often it takes a little extra effort. This is especially true with people you do not know well or who are complete strangers. That is why it stands out. Yet opportunities arise often and almost always unexpectedly.  Those are the times that more is demanded of you. It means doing a little extra.

Those of you who know me know that I love ultra and trail running because it pushes me to do more. Well kindness is the same way. It is not always the easiest path. Yet like running, the rewards are just as significant if not greater. Let me give you an example.

I was working at maybe my favorite type of program at work. It is called the “Unsung Hero” program where we honor students who fly under the radar but inspire their fellow students and even their staff with their ability to overcome obstacles and remain positive. They also are also almost always ambassadors of kindness.

In any case I was called over because the mother and the grandmother of one of the girls being honored had an issue. The grandmother was in a wheelchair and they were going to place them with the other wheelchair attendees which was in the middle of the auditorium but there was an issue. The mother looked at me and said “I am deaf but can’t read sign language (We had a sign language interpreter on stage.) but I read lips. What can you do?”  I immediately looked to the front of the auditorium to see if there were empty seats in the front row. I spied a few and immediately started saying “Yes I will move you to the front row.” When I realized that I wasn’t looking at her so she had no idea what I was saying. I am just a bustling ball of energy using exaggerated body language and not always looking at the person I am talking to. A bad habit I know but, in this case, horrible. While it was an instinctive response I still beat myself up over my lapse.

I quickly gained hold of my senses and looked her in the eye and told her that I have some seats in the front row. I have to admit when you have to stop and look someone in the eye to talk to them without doing anything else there is more of a connection with that person. I felt that with her and knew I had to help her so that she could see her daughter being honored. So, I sat her in the front row with her mother next to her. Not directly in front of the podium but in the front row off to the side. I was rather proud of myself for solving that problem.

Maybe because it was because of talking to her eye to eye, when I had a moment, when I was not doing something for the program. I looked up to the podium to see what I could see from the speakers. Specifically, if I could see their lips. Since I was standing in her vicinity, I was curious about reading lips. To my surprise, while I could see the speakers lip some of the time, the lighting was difficult and the distance and angle made it difficult to see their lips.

So, I walked over to her and looked her in the eyes and said “can you read their lips?” She politely gave a gesture that it was so-so. I didn’t have to read minds then to know that she was struggling.

This was my kindness opportunity. Yes, I had done a lot. Maybe even more than most people. Yet she needed more. We had time since her daughter was not scheduled to be honored until later in the program but I wanted her to enjoy the entire program. So, my coworker and I then moved her to a seat that had been vacated right near the podium. We put her grandmother right up front in front of her. They then enjoyed the program.

I am not telling this story to pat myself on the back. No, but to say that opportunities to show kindness just appear without warning. We really can’t go searching for them. My first act of moving her up front may seem like an act of kindness, but it was really just doing my job. It is when you put yourself in someone else’s position, is when the kindness opportunities arise. When I attempted to read lips on my own.

After the program was over and people were enjoying some refreshments and leaving I saw the woman as she was leaving. She looked at me and said “Thank you” and we hugged and said good bye. We did not know each other’s names and will almost certainly never see each other again. That moment we hugged made me feel so good.

I have written about the power of a finisher medal in races. It makes the pain and difficulty of a race go away. You then start thinking of signing up for another race. That moment with that woman was my finisher medal. When someone thanks you for that act of kindness it makes you feel better about yourself. It doesn’t need to be as dramatic a thank you as our hug was. Maybe just a smile or a nod. It will still have the same effect.

I can tell you with certainty, that kindness opportunities will arise. They may require a little extra effort but when they do. Take advantage of them. You will thank me later.

Why a Kindness Run?

I was coming to the end of my 196 mile running journey. Almost 65 hours which included about four hours of sleep, constantly moving the rest of the time. What was I feeling? Surprisingly it wasn’t fatigue. No, it was a strange emotion. Tears were streaming from my eyes. The run which I had originally done to test and push my body to its limits was something more than a physical and mental challenge. It was a journey of emotions and spirituality as well. It was almost an entire life’s journey in 65 hours that had changed me. The man who started the journey at the High Point Monument in New Jersey’s Northwestern point was not the same man who ended at the Cape May Lighthouse at New Jersey’s southernmost point.

I had taken away many lessons from that journey. Some that I had already knew but were reinforced. Such as that we are capable of more than we think if we give it our all.  Also, aging does not mean slowing down. That we have to have a gritty mindset and keep moving forward even when times are tough. These are all quite traditional American principles. Yet there was one thing that surprised me. That was the power of kindness.

I always practiced kindness because that was the way I was raised as a child. Yet on this running journey I found that kindness has strength and power. Not something we associate with kindness. Every time a friend or family member drove an hour or more just to cheer us on for five minutes, it inspired me and my co-runner Anthony. When strangers who heard about our run cheered us on and encouraged us to go on it gave us strength. When an almost complete stranger who was following my run came to join us in the wee hours of the night. All because I had shown him a random act of kindness seven months before. I was feeling the power of kindness.

Yet after the run and I returned to my everyday life it was harder to see that power of kindness. That is because the cable news channels, and social media trolls, seem to hog all the attention. Even so the power was still there but so was hatred. Something that thankfully, I did not have on my run.

Practicing kindness would seem to be an easy thing to do, but in our society putting down people and being snarky are cooler. That, however, does not make kindness any less powerful just rarer. I also found on this run that people do want to believe in positive news and kindness. They just do it quietly.

When I decided to try this challenge of running the length of New Jersey a second time, this time from south to north. A bit harder feat because you end up going uphill more than in the other direction. I knew that I had to do it with that kindness lesson in mind.

When most people do an endurance challenge like this their message is the traditional American principles that you can achieve most anything you want if you believe and work hard. Also, they usually have a charity they are raising money for. I am raising money for a charity called Dylan’s Wings of Change. Yet something was gnawing at me about the kindness lesson.  It needed to be explored and promoted as well.

As I was on a morning run it came to me. I knew that I needed to ask more from the people who might be following me on this trek. Yes, I wanted them to cheer me on and donate to Dylan’s Wings. (An organization by the way, that spreads kindness.) I need to not only talk and preach about kindness but spread it. I decided that I was going ask people to perform one small act of kindness as well. This is not a hard task, I thought it would be nice if they documented it as well. That way in my tiny part of the world and my small circle of friends and family we have made it a little better place. That is why I call this journey The New Jersey Kindness Run.

If you are reading this blog and thinking of donating to my cause I hope that you perform that small act of kindness and let me know. It does not have to be big. For example, after a recent snowstorm after I was done shoveling my driveway and walkway. I went over and shoveled around my neighbor’s car. That way he could get out easier. Not a big deal, but it did make me feel better. I know that this sounds strange but before I take the first step on this running journey these small acts will inspire me. Kindness always does.

I will admit I am a little nervous about this request. Not because it is difficult for someone to do it. In fact, in my circle of friends and family there are some wonderfully kind people who are already quietly performing acts of kindness on a regular basis. It is just that they do it quietly and probably will want to keep it that way.

Yet if we spread the word a bit more, we can influence those people who keep to themselves too much. We can also change our society’s narrative a bit, that the world is place filled with hatred and negativity.  Some of us must at least try and make people feel more positive about humanity. The way I look at it, one little extra act of kindness is something this world needs a lot more of. After all it is hard to have too much kindness.

Maybe I am crazy and naïve but the only way I will find out is to ask. Please think about it. What is the worse that can happen? Someone rejects your offer. Very unlikely. No, more likely it is that you will make someone feel better. I know that it will make me feel better when I run that you did this.