Recognize those Kindness Opportunities

Sometimes practicing what you preach is not always easy. I have recently been preaching that we should all practice the act of kindness more. It was one of my lessons from my first run of the length of New Jersey from its most Northern point the High Point Monument to the Southern at the Cape May Lighthouse. I am again attempting this feat though in reverse from South to North and this time even naming my attempt the New Jersey Kindness Run.

Yet while it seems easy to practice kindness especially with family and friends, often it takes a little extra effort. This is especially true with people you do not know well or who are complete strangers. That is why it stands out. Yet opportunities arise often and almost always unexpectedly.  Those are the times that more is demanded of you. It means doing a little extra.

Those of you who know me know that I love ultra and trail running because it pushes me to do more. Well kindness is the same way. It is not always the easiest path. Yet like running, the rewards are just as significant if not greater. Let me give you an example.

I was working at maybe my favorite type of program at work. It is called the “Unsung Hero” program where we honor students who fly under the radar but inspire their fellow students and even their staff with their ability to overcome obstacles and remain positive. They also are also almost always ambassadors of kindness.

In any case I was called over because the mother and the grandmother of one of the girls being honored had an issue. The grandmother was in a wheelchair and they were going to place them with the other wheelchair attendees which was in the middle of the auditorium but there was an issue. The mother looked at me and said “I am deaf but can’t read sign language (We had a sign language interpreter on stage.) but I read lips. What can you do?”  I immediately looked to the front of the auditorium to see if there were empty seats in the front row. I spied a few and immediately started saying “Yes I will move you to the front row.” When I realized that I wasn’t looking at her so she had no idea what I was saying. I am just a bustling ball of energy using exaggerated body language and not always looking at the person I am talking to. A bad habit I know but, in this case, horrible. While it was an instinctive response I still beat myself up over my lapse.

I quickly gained hold of my senses and looked her in the eye and told her that I have some seats in the front row. I have to admit when you have to stop and look someone in the eye to talk to them without doing anything else there is more of a connection with that person. I felt that with her and knew I had to help her so that she could see her daughter being honored. So, I sat her in the front row with her mother next to her. Not directly in front of the podium but in the front row off to the side. I was rather proud of myself for solving that problem.

Maybe because it was because of talking to her eye to eye, when I had a moment, when I was not doing something for the program. I looked up to the podium to see what I could see from the speakers. Specifically, if I could see their lips. Since I was standing in her vicinity, I was curious about reading lips. To my surprise, while I could see the speakers lip some of the time, the lighting was difficult and the distance and angle made it difficult to see their lips.

So, I walked over to her and looked her in the eyes and said “can you read their lips?” She politely gave a gesture that it was so-so. I didn’t have to read minds then to know that she was struggling.

This was my kindness opportunity. Yes, I had done a lot. Maybe even more than most people. Yet she needed more. We had time since her daughter was not scheduled to be honored until later in the program but I wanted her to enjoy the entire program. So, my coworker and I then moved her to a seat that had been vacated right near the podium. We put her grandmother right up front in front of her. They then enjoyed the program.

I am not telling this story to pat myself on the back. No, but to say that opportunities to show kindness just appear without warning. We really can’t go searching for them. My first act of moving her up front may seem like an act of kindness, but it was really just doing my job. It is when you put yourself in someone else’s position, is when the kindness opportunities arise. When I attempted to read lips on my own.

After the program was over and people were enjoying some refreshments and leaving I saw the woman as she was leaving. She looked at me and said “Thank you” and we hugged and said good bye. We did not know each other’s names and will almost certainly never see each other again. That moment we hugged made me feel so good.

I have written about the power of a finisher medal in races. It makes the pain and difficulty of a race go away. You then start thinking of signing up for another race. That moment with that woman was my finisher medal. When someone thanks you for that act of kindness it makes you feel better about yourself. It doesn’t need to be as dramatic a thank you as our hug was. Maybe just a smile or a nod. It will still have the same effect.

I can tell you with certainty, that kindness opportunities will arise. They may require a little extra effort but when they do. Take advantage of them. You will thank me later.

Why a Kindness Run?

I was coming to the end of my 196 mile running journey. Almost 65 hours which included about four hours of sleep, constantly moving the rest of the time. What was I feeling? Surprisingly it wasn’t fatigue. No, it was a strange emotion. Tears were streaming from my eyes. The run which I had originally done to test and push my body to its limits was something more than a physical and mental challenge. It was a journey of emotions and spirituality as well. It was almost an entire life’s journey in 65 hours that had changed me. The man who started the journey at the High Point Monument in New Jersey’s Northwestern point was not the same man who ended at the Cape May Lighthouse at New Jersey’s southernmost point.

I had taken away many lessons from that journey. Some that I had already knew but were reinforced. Such as that we are capable of more than we think if we give it our all.  Also, aging does not mean slowing down. That we have to have a gritty mindset and keep moving forward even when times are tough. These are all quite traditional American principles. Yet there was one thing that surprised me. That was the power of kindness.

I always practiced kindness because that was the way I was raised as a child. Yet on this running journey I found that kindness has strength and power. Not something we associate with kindness. Every time a friend or family member drove an hour or more just to cheer us on for five minutes, it inspired me and my co-runner Anthony. When strangers who heard about our run cheered us on and encouraged us to go on it gave us strength. When an almost complete stranger who was following my run came to join us in the wee hours of the night. All because I had shown him a random act of kindness seven months before. I was feeling the power of kindness.

Yet after the run and I returned to my everyday life it was harder to see that power of kindness. That is because the cable news channels, and social media trolls, seem to hog all the attention. Even so the power was still there but so was hatred. Something that thankfully, I did not have on my run.

Practicing kindness would seem to be an easy thing to do, but in our society putting down people and being snarky are cooler. That, however, does not make kindness any less powerful just rarer. I also found on this run that people do want to believe in positive news and kindness. They just do it quietly.

When I decided to try this challenge of running the length of New Jersey a second time, this time from south to north. A bit harder feat because you end up going uphill more than in the other direction. I knew that I had to do it with that kindness lesson in mind.

When most people do an endurance challenge like this their message is the traditional American principles that you can achieve most anything you want if you believe and work hard. Also, they usually have a charity they are raising money for. I am raising money for a charity called Dylan’s Wings of Change. Yet something was gnawing at me about the kindness lesson.  It needed to be explored and promoted as well.

As I was on a morning run it came to me. I knew that I needed to ask more from the people who might be following me on this trek. Yes, I wanted them to cheer me on and donate to Dylan’s Wings. (An organization by the way, that spreads kindness.) I need to not only talk and preach about kindness but spread it. I decided that I was going ask people to perform one small act of kindness as well. This is not a hard task, I thought it would be nice if they documented it as well. That way in my tiny part of the world and my small circle of friends and family we have made it a little better place. That is why I call this journey The New Jersey Kindness Run.

If you are reading this blog and thinking of donating to my cause I hope that you perform that small act of kindness and let me know. It does not have to be big. For example, after a recent snowstorm after I was done shoveling my driveway and walkway. I went over and shoveled around my neighbor’s car. That way he could get out easier. Not a big deal, but it did make me feel better. I know that this sounds strange but before I take the first step on this running journey these small acts will inspire me. Kindness always does.

I will admit I am a little nervous about this request. Not because it is difficult for someone to do it. In fact, in my circle of friends and family there are some wonderfully kind people who are already quietly performing acts of kindness on a regular basis. It is just that they do it quietly and probably will want to keep it that way.

Yet if we spread the word a bit more, we can influence those people who keep to themselves too much. We can also change our society’s narrative a bit, that the world is place filled with hatred and negativity.  Some of us must at least try and make people feel more positive about humanity. The way I look at it, one little extra act of kindness is something this world needs a lot more of. After all it is hard to have too much kindness.

Maybe I am crazy and naïve but the only way I will find out is to ask. Please think about it. What is the worse that can happen? Someone rejects your offer. Very unlikely. No, more likely it is that you will make someone feel better. I know that it will make me feel better when I run that you did this.

Running with Guilt and Butterflies

It was a couple of days after I had finished running the length of New Jersey from the top, the High Point Monument in the Northwest corner of the state, to the Cape May Lighthouse in the Southeast an almost two hundred mile journey. I was pretty proud of myself. After all not too many people could accomplish that feat especially at the age of 62. Yet it was not lost on me that my crew team was lead by Ian Hockley. Ian had become a good friend and I loved him like a brother but I wish I had never met him and that I didn’t know him. Ian’s son Dylan was one of the twenty students lost in the Sandy Hook school shooting. I met him through work when he was a keynote speaker at our convention. This uneasy feeling rose up again after the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas. School shootings are senseless acts of violence.

Yet I can’t shake the pangs of guilt I have about enjoying my run and sharing laughs and even a drink with Ian knowing the relationship is all built on a senseless death. Even my running partner for the New Jersey run, Anthony, was built on school shootings. I did not know Anthony but a mutual friend Tom introduced us. Tom and I had collaborated numerous times on school security programs for school districts to prepare them for a school shooting.

My achievement and joy was in many ways built on senseless deaths of students. I know if I had the power I would trade my achievement away to bring back the lives of any students or teachers who were victims in a school shooting.

Robb Armstrong, Ian Hockley, myself, and Anthony Certa before starting our New Jersey Run.

In a conversation with a reporter before the run it was brought up that I was attempting something that few people could do. I acknowledged that fact, but added “That is true but Ian is doing something that I don’t think I could do. He is taking his pain and anger and focusing his energy on building something positive for kids.” I am not sure I could do that if it was my son or daughter that was killed so tragically. I like to think that I would but I am not sure. I could easily direct my energy on issues that anger me. What he is doing is more amazing.

Like a lot of runners I will regularly run for a charity. This run was also a fundraiser for Ian’s charity Dylan’s Wings of Change. They do social emotional learning programs in schools trying to improve a schools climate and culture.

As I ponder my conflicting feelings I thought of the mantra that governs Dylan’s Wings of Change. It is the Butterfly Effect. Which is how just small changes can accumulate with massive effect. Like a butterfly flapping its wings can cause a hurricane winds across the world.  It was inspired by Dylan’s mom seeing him flapping his arms when he was young and asking him what he was doing. He said that he was a butterfly.

While Dylan’s Wings of Change focuses on kids, the Butterfly Effect goes beyond kids. It effected me there is no way I could have finished or even attempted the run without Ian and Anthony not to mention Robb who is also affiliated with Dylan’s Wings of Change. So that small boy flapping his wings many years ago led to a 62 year old man pushing himself to his limits and running 196 miles.

Even during the run I felt the Butterfly Effect.  Friends, family, and even strangers came out to cheer Anthony and I on. They also donated to Dylan’s Wings of Change. They liked the idea that an individual was pushing himself to his limits for a good and positive cause. One woman even said that to me at a crowd that was gathered to greet us. “It was so good to see something so positive and uplifting.” I think that she was also alluding to the negative news that seems to all around us these days.

It was a bit overwhelming emotionally when you are feeling the power of the Butterfly Effect. The last few miles of the journey, I was very ineffectively trying to hold back tears.

It is also very overwhelming emotionally to observe another school shooting on the news. It also saddens me that our government seems incapable and some might even say unwilling to do anything about it. What can an individual do in this situation especially when the government is inept?

We can start small.  The Butterfly Effect does not demand large acts but small acts of kindness and positive energy. In our own community, we can start something that improves the climate and culture of our local schools. Obviously making all our kids having a safe space is important and maybe if we can prevent one troubled youth to seek help that will make a huge difference.

I also find that when a group of people start practicing acts of kindness it tends to build on itself and multiply to others. So, I do not see any downside to spreading kindness. Ian has modeled this by enriching students and adults lives, including mine with his relentless positive actions.

I know that for some reason mentioning anything to do with gun reform is a nonstarter for some people, but I am sure everyone would want a system that keeps guns out of the hands of people with mental and emotional problems.

If we all do a little, maybe we can prevent even unknowingly a senseless act of violence. In a strange way, it might be the only time preventing future friendships is a good thing.