I think it was about mile 60 or 65 of my 30 Hour, 100 Mile Race called the Forbidden Forest when the idea for this blog came to me. Except at that moment, the title was going to be something along the lines of Showing Mental Grit in Failure. I had a major setback in the wee hours of the night after my crew had left for a well-earned rest. At first in the evening things were going well and I was completing my loops and was on pace to finish with time to spare and get to test my theory on the power of the mind.
At last year’s race I had finished with time to spare and could
have finished another lap. Yet when I
went into my last loop, the energy from my body seemed to drain and I “settled”
for the 100 mile finish. I had been
strong up to that point but knowing that I had my “100 Mile Buckle” my mind
gave out before the body. For this race I wanted to see if I added one more lap
to my goal if would my mind stay strong doing an extra lap.
After midnight, I had other mental grit issues to worry
about. Like “Could mental grit defeat digestive issues in an ultra-marathon?”
My early opinion was that it was no
match. When you are throwing up it is not “mind over matter”, especially when
the matter is coming out of your mouth.
It had been an extremely hot and muggy day and I could see
that many of the runners were struggling. I know it was getting to me. It was most
definitely getting to my stomach. While I could easily hold down my fluids and fresh
fruit (consisting of grapes, watermelon, and strawberries), I was having a
harder time with the proteins. They did
not taste right but somehow in small portions I could take them. My crew, which
consisted of my daughter Lisa, my wife Patty, my niece Anna and my friend
Anthony, were constantly trying to get me to take in calories. (I should add
that it was by far the best crew at the race! They helped not only me, but Dave,
who was another friend running the race, in addition to several other runners. (Which
means that I should have listened better to them)
I could feel my energy ebb after midnight and knew I had to consume
more calories. I decided to take my time and try to eat slowly and stop more
often. This was time consuming, but I believed in the long run (pun intended)
that it would help. My plan was falling apart, as was my race. With each stop I
could barely get down any solid food down except fresh fruit. As I was eating a
small thin slice of chicken, my stomach revolted completely and I hurled! I was
completely out of sorts. I decided to take a nap which lasted about 40 minutes
to ease my body.
My mental grit was being tested. I was completely alone! Even
Dave and Anthony were gone. Dave had pulled out of the race after a bad fall
and Anthony was taking care of him.
Somehow, at 4AM I started running again but I had lost a lot
of time. My legs felt strong but I had limited energy because I had not eaten. I
would try and hold on until my crew arrived. I started eating fruit just to
keep me going. I sent a desperate text to my wife and niece that I was not in
great shape and if they could bring chicken soup. In my poor state of mind however,
I forgot to hit send.
I was doing the math in my head about how many miles I had
left and how much time I had to get to 100 miles. While my math skills diminished
precipitously with each mile I ran, I soon realized that while it was possible to
finish my goal, I had a lot of work to do. I needed to get miles in before my
crew started to arrive at around 7:30AM. I was hoping to get to 70 miles by 7:00AM.
That would leave me seven and a half hours to do a 50k. Which I normally could do easily, but this
would be my third 50k in a row so I was not sure how it would go.
I decided that no matter what, I would keep going. If I
didn’t get the 100 miles so be it. It just wasn’t my day. I was listing my excuses as I ran: the heat
affected me, I had digestive issues, other runners were dropping out. In fact,
I saw many runners packing up. I thought I would just ease up and get between
80-90 miles. I was not only fighting the heat and terrain, but I was fighting
myself. I had always prided myself on my grit and determination and even other
runners would complement me on my determination. I liked to think of myself as
somewhat of a badass. Yet the fire was not blazing now. It was more like hot
embers with no flame.
I needed my crew but was a little nervous to see them
because before they had left I was going strong but I had lost my confidence. A
badass is always confident. The first to arrive were Anthony and Dave. Anthony as usual, was beaming with positivity but I
was trying to be realistic. It was good however to have his positive energy.
Next came my daughter Lisa and her boyfriend PJ, Patty, and
my niece Anna. Anna was going to pace me. I was a little worried about that
because she was just recovering from a severe leg injury and she was not used
to running on trails. I had twenty-five miles to cover and plenty of time, if I
was fresh. I was not fresh. I kept saying it is going to be close and that I
may not do it. Anna was positive and said let’s not think about that let’s just
run and see what happens. I had seen how she had talked to her own kids about issues
and her tone and calmness with me was pretty much how she would address a pouty
nine-year old.
My pace with her was slightly faster and to make up time I
said I would run two loops and then stop. She was very attentive to my pace and
discussed what I would need at the next stop. As I mentioned, Anna was
recovering from a serious leg injury and had never run more than seven miles so
I only expected her to do one or two of the 2.23 mile loops. My wife and I kept
asking her if she wanted to go again and she said yes. She ended up running 19
miles with me!
We were having great conversations ranging from why we run, to my children, to her social life as a single parent. The more we ran together the stronger and better I felt. She would communicate with the crew when we came in. Anthony would pop in as well joining us with his never-ending energy. It seemed like he was the unofficial pacer for half the runners. I know that he personally got several runners to the finish line.
Then along our run while I was passing people we came upon
Kate who was a few laps ahead of me and she was walking. She had it the bag
though. She said she thought she only had to do 43 laps but found out it really
44 and was a bit bummed. “What! I thought I had to do 45 loops!” I
said to myself, now there was a glimmer of hope. I picked my pace. If I was not
going to get to 44 loops I would get as close as possible.
I was the only one running hard. Most of the runners had
either finished the run or were taking victory laps, and some knew the 100
miles was not possible. Their fates were sealed. Mine was not. I had to do my
fastest pace since the beginning of the race. After 90 miles in the humid
weather this was not easy physically or mentally. Yet the attitude of the crew kept my dream
alive despite my tamping of their enthusiasm. My time with Anna also brought
back my mental grit and I was not going to miss the 100 miles without giving an
all-out effort.
When I finished loop 41, the timer* yelled out to me that “I had to average 33 minutes a loop to do
it.” At that point I decided to go for broke. I left Anna behind. When I
completed the 43rd lap the timer in a state of shock yelled “That was 26 minutes! Wow!” I looked up
and saw that I had a little over an hour left to finish the last loop. Plenty of time.
I could feel that my body was near its limits with the heat,
the mileage, and the high speed. Anthony was with me for most of the last lap
but then we came upon a limping runner on her last lap. I went on alone because
I wanted to finish strong and she needed his help more than me. I did not need
someone to motivate me at this point I was so determined to finish. About a
third of a mile from the finish Anna was on the trail. I was flying (flying is a relative term at
this point) on this part of the trail and she tried to get ahead of me to warn the
crew that I was coming. I slowed down a bit so they could all get to the finish
line but they had little time.
When I crossed the finish line, I collapsed. I had never run
so hard before after so many miles. I even stated to my crew “That it may have been the hardest thing I
had ever done.” I had never had to run my hardest at the end of an ultra to
beat a time clock.
Mike, who was a fellow runner from Massachusetts who we had
all befriended said to me “Man you had
fire in your eyes. I wouldn’t want to meet you in a dark alley!” Yes, I had
a fire in my eyes but it was through the help of Anna, Anthony and the whole
crew that took those smoldering embers of determination and grit and turned it
into a blaze.
I learned some valuable lessons on this run about mental
grit.
First, I had always thought that mental grit meant persevering
and moving forward and fighting through the obstacles such as the weather and
the terrain. It was a fixed amount, but I found out on this race it fluctuates.
It rises and sinks depending on the
conditions and sometimes certain conditions start to drain your determination.
Second, having the right supportive people around you makes
a difference and can help restore your determination. My crew and especially
Anna really refocused me to the task at hand.
Anna was with me during my down period, when I had some
doubt as to whether I was going to be able to do this. She observed my
transformation. She remarked: “Isn’t it
amazing what you can achieve when you go all out?” Yes it is!! It is even more amazing when you have people
like her, my wife, Lisa, PJ, Anthony, Dave and our new friend Mike believing in
you. It is funny, my first thought about this blog was about going all out and
failing. Even if I had not made it I still realize how lucky I am. I am
surrounded by people who truly believe in me and who nurture my determination
and grit.
Third and maybe most important. The test of your grit is when
you are at your lowest. For me it was at 4AM when I was alone and knew that I
my body was in trouble and I probably was not going to make it. My fire was not
burning but I still had some smoldering embers so it was not out and I decide
to keep moving. That decision helped set up the strong finish.
As Anna said Isn’t it
amazing what you can achieve when you go all out?” sometimes you may even
surprise yourself.
*The timer came up to me after I finished and said “I lied to you. You didn’t need to average
33 minutes to make it, but closer to 38-39 minutes. I wanted to push you. He
also said “at your pace you have time for another lap!” He was right but
just like last year my mind had given out so I was done. I guess I proved my
point.
World's best crew.
