The Path Back to Normal and the Trails (Part 1)

I got out of my car and was a bit excited. It was the first day that the county and state parks were open in New Jersey and it was like a sign to help me get back to my old normal routine of trail running. I however would not be running this trail, just walking in the woods, which was just as good.  I had beaten back COVID-19 and I was not sick anymore but while I was well, I was not fit, there is a major difference. “Well” means you are not sick but “fit” has a more positive connotation and means you are more alive.

I wanted to be “fit” again but I was very hesitant because COVID had sapped much of my energy, which I expected. What I did not expect was the way it had attacked my confidence.  I was trying to figure out when to try to run again but I was hesitant and a bit scared.  I had been walking around three miles every day for a couple of weeks but running, scared me.  Would it trigger a relapse? Were my lungs up to the challenge? Had COVID-19 left any permanent damage? I was questioning everything in my head, which is a sign that your confidence is shaken. With my confidence shaken it was hard to move forward. 

In these uncertain times, I wanted something “normal” that I could anchor myself too.  If I could get back to running on trails again and being fit, I would feel normal.  Yet I knew it would not happen overnight.

As soon as I entered the forest, I felt at home. It was a beautiful day I only needed a t-shirt as I walked through the forest.  This was not my normal running trail but a trail I have hiked often.  I was a bit afraid to go to my normal running trail and be seen “walking” by the park regulars.  It might bring up a conversation I did not want to have about why I was walking and not running. A bit silly I guess, but I felt it none-the-less. 

After two miles, I was feeling great when I saw a woman approaching me who was running, it was a trail runner, something that is rarer in this park.  As she got closer we started to practice social distancing by moving to the side when from a distance she looked at my shirt and stopped and said “I did that race”.  I was wearing a trail race t-shirt from NJ Trail Series and this one was the “Wildcat Ridge Romp” which was a tough trail race.  All of a sudden, we were in a conversation about various trail races and we had done some of the same races.  We were lamenting the fact that there were no races.  I told her about my Zion race and then she mentioned that today she was supposed to be doing the Rock the Ridge 50 Mile Challenge, a race I had done three times.  I all of a sudden thought of the weather that was in the low 50’s and sunny and said it would have a been a perfect day to run the race.  We spoke longer than I expected I even told her that I had had COVID-19.  I told her about a virtual race that someone was hosting but she said she had enough of virtual races and would just train until there was a real one.

I think we both enjoyed the conversation because it was like the banter runners have before and after a race.  You don’t get that banter from virtual races.  We had both obviously done the same races so it was fun to talk about that world.  A world we both obviously wanted to get back too.

We eventually ended our conversation and moved on in the opposite directions, her running, me walking.  That conversation however, changed my mindset completely.   I wanted to run again badly, my fear was gone and my confidence returned.  I knew that my body was not quite ready yet but it was very close. In that conversation, I had realized that I am a trail runner!  That is part of my identity and I need to work to get back to it.  It is not like I was not working my way back I had been walking every day and I had even signed up for a virtual race but I knew that I could also walk that race.  The problem was that the path back to running was long.  COVID-19 was also testing my patience.  I had to do this slowly yet steadily.

I continued on my hike and originally I was going to do about four miles but I felt so good mentally and physically, I extended my hike and would do almost six miles. 

My religious beliefs when I am the forest and on the trails tends to swerve to the mystical spectrum.  I believe that the Trail Gods are always sending you messages.  A beautiful waterfall that forces you to stop and take in Mother Nature or even something small like a Scarlet Tanager.  I also believe in trail angels: people put in your path to help you or send you a message.  People you most likely will never see again.  I know that because it happened to me on a 50 Mile trail race before, that someone was placed in my path to help me and that someone was placed in my path so I could help them.

The trail gods were speaking to me on this hike. Yes, there were the fast flowing streams and beautiful early blooms of flowers but the one thing that was a little different was the trail runner.  She was a message that was being sent to me.  As I strolled through the park often stopping to take pictures, it began to formulate in my head that I would run again.  It would not be the next day but the following week.  I picked the location, which was a park that was completely flat, so that way I could ease into my first run and if that went well back to the trails.

I was walking steady and with a purpose now and thoroughly enjoying myself.  Normally I would have hiked longer but I was mindful not to overdo it.  To push hard but to push myself slow and steady.  I was about a mile from the parking lot when all of a sudden I saw her again - The trail runner!  As she got closer, I shouted to her kiddingly “You’re still running” she smiled and said “Of course I am training.”  We stopped and started another conversation about races and running.  This time the conversation was a bit shorter, than we both went our separate ways, once again her running, me walking.

As I headed back to my car, I knew that the Trail Gods were making sure I got the message. The time to run the trails is near.

(End Part 1)

Coming Out of the COVID-19 Fog

( May 2020) 

We often took family vacations on lakes in the state of Maine.  It would be late summer and that far north at night it would get very cool.  The next morning there would be a fog and mist covering the entire lake.  You could not see any of the shoreline or even much of the water.

Often I would get up early with my morning cup of coffee and watch the morning unfold.  The sun would rise but was just a small weak dot trying to break through the dense fog, slowly however, it grew warmer and you could see the fog slowly but steadily dissipate.  Toward the end all that was there was a few misty clouds floating over the lake.

I used to really enjoy the silent display that Mother Nature put on for me.  I have not however enjoyed my bout with COVID-19 at all even though it has unfurled much like the fog over those Northern Maine lakes.

When COVID-19 hit me it came on fast and after a morning walk, all of a sudden I was exhausted and dead tired, so much so that I went to sleep. I woke up with a fever, was achy and had bad cough.  Immediately my wife who was recovering from COVID-19 isolated me but I was confident that with a day or two of rest I would conquer COVID-19.  The world was however foggy to me.  I could not concentrate.  I stopped reading and even watching television took energy.

My mind and body were fighting the COVID but unlike the sun that burns the fog off in a day, the fog hung on to me for days.  All of a sudden, on day five while I was still in a fog with the cough and persistent fever, I was not achy and while not energetic, I was not fatigued.  By day ten the fever broke, while the cough still lingered.

The world was clearing up to me.  I began to read books and the newspaper.  While I had never stopped working completely it was not a burden anymore.  Luckily, the weather also broke and I went outside more often.

Yet there were still clouds clinging stubbornly to me.  While I was not sick, I also was not well.  It is hard to explain but I knew I was not 100% maybe 85%, but I also knew I would get better.

The last few clouds however were also COVID scars.  It was a gnawing feeling that maybe I had lost something forever.  Would I be able to run long distances again?  I was known for being a very social person who hugged people at social gatherings but would people be fearful of doing that because I had COVID?  Would it come back?  These questions were the remaining mental games COVID had left me.  Frankly, I was a bit scared of my future.

One thing I had not explained earlier about my mornings of watching the fog dissipate over a Northern lake.  When it was over, I felt like attacking the day and almost immediately would take a morning walk or run before everyone else had awaken.  It had energized me to watch Mother Nature.

While it was not one morning that my fog had lifted but closer to two weeks it had lifted. I was not at full strength but I did feel more energized to live my normal life again or as normal as we can live a life in quarantine. 

I started to read again and even write a little.  I did crossword puzzles.  I started to do nonstrenuous walks every morning in my neighborhood.  The fresh air felt great as I strolled for a little over two miles, which I increased to about three and a half miles after a week.  A far cry from my two hour runs but I was going in the right direction.  I even walked in misty rain and once again, I was not bothered by less than ideal weather conditions.

While I had never lost my sense of smell or taste, I did not really care about what I ate.  As the fog lifted, I all of a sudden really cared and began craving fresh fruits and vegetables.  My wife knew I was better when I asked for a cup of coffee as well.  She definitely knew I was getting better when I began poking fun at her and joking around.

I am keenly aware about how lucky I am that both my wife and I recovered.  There are people who stayed in that fog for much longer than I did.  Too many who went into that fog which never lifted and are one of the grim numbers that rises every day on a news report.

Living in quarantine is stressful and not very stimulating.  My wife and I dreamed about taking our annual summer vacation (Something we know is not a sure thing.).  We never stay in the same place every year so where to go is always an interesting conversation. When she asked about my thoughts, I replied “I would like to go to Maine.”  I thought to myself “I want to watch the fog lift”