I was reading the book Running
Home by Katie Arnold. She, like me, is an accidental ultra runner.
Though I really don’t know anyone who had a life plan to become an ultra-runner.
You somehow find an urge to try an ultra-marathon and before you know it, you’re
addicted. Unlike me who is more middle of the pack runner who lives in New
Jersey, Katie lives in New Mexico and is a very accomplished ultra runner, as
well as writer. Besides ultra running we have very little in common except one
other thing. It is something that I wish I could ask other ultra runners about.
That is the impact of ultra running on your spouse or significant other.
As I was reading the book, I told my wife she should read
the book. My wife would not naturally be drawn to reading a running book. But
as I told her it was more about Katie’s journey as a woman than about running.
Then I came to a paragraph, and I knew I couldn’t let her read this book. In
one paragraph as Katie was preparing for a long training run, her husband’s
frustration shows and he says “How much longer are you going to keep doing
this?” later in that same encounter he
made a snarky remark “Well I’d sure love to spend all day on the trails.” That
could have been my wife. She constantly reminds me of my obligations,
especially on a weekend or holiday. It is not that she (Or Katie’s husband) begrudges
our running, but they want to remind us that there is more to life than
running. They also want to remind us that there are two people in this relationship,
not one.
Like Katie I was not an ultra or any kind of runner when I
got married. Yet somewhere along the line at the ripe old age of 57 I ran my
first ultra-marathon. Once you start running ultra-marathons you are a new person,
and I definitely was not the same man she married.
While I did write our wedding vows, I know that I can’t
recite them by heart like I did on my wedding day. I am pretty certain that
there was nothing in them about “I will be at the aid station with your
preferred electrolytes and food. That I will be sympathetic to you after you
moan in pain after a grueling race that you entered of your own free will. Plus,
you also paid for this pain.”
No nothing about running at all since this was over fifteen
years before I started running. If I was a runner when we got married, I know
my wife may not have changed the vows but made me sign a contract stipulating
her being informed of what races I was signing up for 30 days in advance. How
many running shoes I can have, and other numerous stipulations.
Seriously, couples can grow apart as they age. I am very conscious of how much I have changed since we exchanged vows. Ultra-running is a tremendous change and does affect relationships. It is not the races that are hard, but it is an everyday event because you must run almost every day. Maybe in the past your weekends as a couple were slow and relaxed but now, I have to do over two hours each day of running. So, a weekend is packed with little time to relax and do nothing. I spend hours a week running. Being married to an ultra-runner is different than other hobbies a spouse may have like say golf. That is because of its everyday commitment.
There are not only the time commitments which we sometimes
seem to prioritize over everything else but frankly we are a different breed. We
are looking to push our bodies to their limits and actually enjoy it. I have
been on races and the rain has flooded a trail and we are trudging through mud
that is ankle deep. Yet at obstacles like this the laughter and enthusiasm of
the runners is at its loudest. It is not uncommon to be missing a toenail or
two. Usually, one toenail may be purple. We are sometimes glad to throw up so
that let’s us continue a race.
I know that I often feel a bit selfish by making sure I get
my runs in. Yet this guilt forces me to make sure that I get my errands done,
at least most of them. Okay some of them. Even so I have changed but mostly for
the better I believe. That is because for some reason when I am out there
running these races, I feel that is where I am supposed to be. In addition, the
training for these races is part of that as well. It is hard to explain but it
is your identity. A few times it looked like my running days may be coming to
an end and I can tell you that was scary for me. Since I will be 65 soon, I
know that running alongside me lurking just behind is Father Time looking for
his opportunity to end my running days.
I know this sounds overly dramatic but running long
distances has also given me a better understanding of life. I know that is rather existential but for me it
is true.
If you reread the last few paragraphs, you see the strange
mind of an ultra-runner. It is hard for
many to understand our thinking and quirks. Just imagine being married to one.
Especially if they took up this running after you were married and had kids. At
least Katie’s husband runs too. He is not an ultra-runner but does pace her in the
last miles of her races. For those not familiar with the term “pacer” it is
another runner who runs alongside you. They usually come towards the end of the
race when you may be at your lowest both mentally and physically. Their job is
to encourage you and to do what they can to get to the finish line.
It occurred to me that while my wife will never be my pacer
on a race. Her responsibility is greater, she is my pacer in life. Beside me
even though I took a crazy turn along the way down a road of ultr-running. It
is not easy being married or in a relationship with an ultra-runner. If you have a supportive partner like me (and
I believe Katie has.) then you are blessed.
One night my wife and I were sitting around the living room,
and I read a text from someone who was inspired by my feats. She looked at me
and said, “Now don’t let this go to your head but you are sometimes
inspiring.”
That also was not in our wedding vows but maybe it was
implied.
By the way I am going to let my wife read the book.
Unfortunately, that negative exchange from Katie’s husband has food stains on
it and can’t be read properly but I will tell her what she missed. He said “Honey
run as long as you want I don’t mind.” I will also tell her it was in their
wedding vows.
