I was recently looking at a photograph from a family wedding when I saw this older man with my sister, brothers, and my in-laws. I was trying to figure out who it was. Then it dawned on me. It was me! I was that old guy! I was a bit taken back. It was like the first time that I realized that I was old. How could that be? I mean I see myself in the mirror every day when I shave, brush my teeth, and comb my hair. That guy does not seem that old. Yes, there is gray hair, but it is a full head of hair. Granted when I come out of the shower, I am not wearing my glasses so maybe my vision is a bit off. That photograph, however, was like I was seeing myself for the first time as others see me.
I believe we all have an image of how we look to the outside
world. It is based in part on fact, but also in part it is based on a delusion.
I am a perfect example of this. I do not see the older man in his sixties that
other people see. I think of myself as a forty-year-old. Not real young but
most definitely not an old man. Okay maybe a lot delusional.
Many others see me at work and ask me when I am going to
retire? I can understand that because I have been working there a long time.
Yet when the man giving me a ride back home while my car was being serviced
asked me the same question about retiring, it stung, it really stung. You would
have thought that by now I would have gotten the hint. Yet I still have a hard
time accepting my age.
This is not just an internal debate. Now my algorithms are
even debating how old I am. On my Facebook feed, retirement advisors keep
popping up. Recently in the mail I received fliers from strangers who are very
interested in my upcoming 65th birthday. Not because they are hoping
to get invited to a birthday party, but I will soon be eligible for Medicare.
They really want to help me. I can’t help but think they believe they need to
help this old man understand the system because his mind is too feeble.
Yet there are other ads that follow me. Trail races across
the country appear continuously saying that they are the race for me. Emails
fly in about any 5K race east of the Mississippi (and a few west of the
Mississippi as well). Not only that but obviously if I go to all these races, I
need the proper running shoes. Ads follow me everywhere that spout that you are
an athlete who should be spending his money on races and shoes.
The thing I am pondering is which conflicting algorithm is right? The one telling me to slow down and retire or the one that says let’s go run an ultra-marathon? Which Ray am I? The old one in the photo or the young one in my head who wants to go out in the rain and run nine miles?
Reflecting on this, it came to me, that maybe this is not an
either-or proposition. Maybe our society and the algorithms need to adjust to
me. Why can’t one be both sixty-four and run ultra marathons? I mean I look at
both algorithms and agree. Yes, I do want to retire. Why? So that I can spend
all my time running races across the globe.
Coming to grips with the aging process is not always easy.
That is because it is slow and creeps up on you. One day you walk all day with
ease and with a pep in your step. Then one day you are winded going up one
flight of stairs. You look at old photos of yourself and cringe barely
recognizing yourself. I remember one day a co-worker came up to me and said
they were looking at old photos when I had first started. She said in what she
thought was a compliment “You were good looking!” I retorted the optimum
word there is “were”.
We all try and stave off the effects of aging and stay
looking young. After all, men and women dye their hair to hide the gray.
Plastic surgeons make a very good living making us look younger. There are
various skin creams out there designed to eliminate wrinkles. It is a thriving
industry to try and stop the aging process.
These are all products designed to make our outside
appearance seem younger. Yet the aging process is more internal than external.
Yet if you work at it, you can keep a youthful outlook on life even with gray
hair. With just a little exercise you will not get winded, when going up the
stairs. This is why I like running.
I look at my body as a vehicle, a car. While it has aged and
shows wear in areas it is still in good shape. The key however is that the
driver, which is my mindset, is still young. He still likes to push himself. He
is daring but not reckless. In fact, he is wiser than when he was as a twenty-year-old.
Yet he is not old and likes to compete and try new things.
Okay I will admit to one guilty pleasure about aging. When I
am in a race no matter what the distance and I pass a thirty something
year-old. I love it! When I look at the race results and while I am not among
the top finishers I am usually near the middle and there are so many people way
younger than me who finish with slower times than me. To me that is a victory.
I revel in it.
There is one other thing about running that makes me feel
younger besides keeping my body in better shape and that immature guilty
pleasure, I just mentioned. It is that almost all the people I meet and have
fun with are younger than me. While I am almost one of the oldest competitors
nothing about the event shouts geriatric. It is a forward-looking crowd. Yet when I am
at a function or social setting with people in their 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s the
conversation always seems to come back to medical ailments and people who are
sick that we know. Conversations that definitively shout geriatric.
Aging to a great degree is a mindset. Yes, the body does
show wear and tear, but you can still have a youthful view of life. Maybe that
is just a slight case of denial, but I am okay with that. I just looked in the
bathroom mirror again and at the photo of the old man at the wedding. Now I can
see that the lighting in the photo was bad and who knows maybe the photo was
doctored to make me look older. Okay maybe a lot in denial but I am still okay
with that.
