There two types of people in this world runners and nonrunners. One thing is obvious, and that is they do not understand each other. Runners have certain tendencies that nonrunners think are a bit odd and quirky. While it may seem odd and quirky to a nonrunner, it makes perfect sense to a runner.
Since we are all together in this world with runners and
nonrunners being in relationships, being married or related by blood or
marriage, it is important that we get along and understand each other. That is why I am here to help the nonrunner
understand their quirky obsessed relative, friend, lover, or spouse.
What are my qualifications to solve this problem you might
ask? Firstly, I am a self-obsessed quirky runner. Secondly, I came to running
later in life so I was also a nonrunner. Most of my friends and family are
nonrunners, including my wife. If they
gave out degrees for being a nonrunner my wife would have a masters. Then again,
my wife would argue if they gave out degrees for being an odd and quirky runner,
I would have my doctorate. So, as you can obviously see I am overqualified to
pontificate on this subject.
To follow are some of the burning questions that the poor
runners are peppered with on a daily basis that nonrunners think are strange
but runners have perfectly logical reasons for doing.
Why do you have so
many running shoes? Wouldn’t one or two suffice? This question exposes the
naïveté of the nonrunner. First of all, you need two shoes for the different
types of runs you do. For example, trail
running has a different shoe then road running.
So that is four shoes right there. One more for your treadmill running.
That is five. You also need to always be breaking in a shoe for each run
another two, so we are up to seven. I always have a pair for bad weather, now
that is eight. Finally, some shoes have sentimental value such as the shoe you
finished your first half marathon in, or you recorded your fastest 10k in. So that makes it ten shoes that runner needs
to have on hand. If the runner in your life has less than a ten shoes give them
a gift certificate to purchase a new pair of running shoes. (Never, ever, buy a
pair yourself and give them to them because we are also very particular on
brands and models.)
Why do you have to
drive three hours for a race when there are races much closer? A race is a race
isn’t it? Another very silly question with a logical and mathematical
answer. There is a mathematical formula (M x D x RB x PP x PR = RA) to explain
the attraction of races that are not close to home. Let me explain the formula.
It is M(miles from home) X D(distance of race) X RB(race
bling) X PP(Posting power of photos) X PR(if a personal record
is possible) = RA(the race attraction rate) This means that the longer the
distance of the race and the further the race is from home, the harder it is to
resist. This was all discovered by an
online university that is no longer in business but trust me this not theory
but fact. You want proof? The Western States 100 mile race attracts
thousands from across the world and the only way to get in is to win a lottery,
and less than 5% usually win. Runners have been known to travel hundreds of
miles for a trailfest (A long weekend with trail races over several days.) and
then only have enough money to sleep in a tent, but hey they get a great
t-shirt.
Aren’t you worried about your knees? Running is bad for the knees isn’t it? First of all if you are a runner do not answer this question with the first things that comes to you. For me that was to answer the question, with my own question. “Aren’t you afraid that you growing fat ass will put too much weight on your knees?” For some strange reason that person unfriended me on Facebook.
Actually in this case there are studies that indicate the
opposite of this “old wives tale” (Can we still use that term or is it sexist?
It is also not accurate I have found that old husbands are better at making
things up then any woman.) Any way luckily this study
was done at Boston University which is still around and here is the evidence.
Spoiler alert – It may actually do the opposite and strengthen your knees.
Why do runners have
to always get their run in even when there are other obligations? For example
why do you have to do your long run this morning we might be late for my
sister’s wedding? We all have priorities in life and somedays getting your
run in is the top priority. If you start
taking days off you can soon start slipping in a dark deep hole of becoming a
nonrunner – no offense.
As for that measly reason for not getting in a run, going to
a wedding. Here is how I would reply. Firstly, I have an important half marathon
coming up and I need my long run day. Secondly, she will hopefully be married
for the rest of her life and in fact this day is the least important because
she will not even be married for the whole day. Even if we are a little late
for the ceremony we will not miss the reception and that is the best part. Did
I mention that I have a big race I am training for?
I have seen you after
some tough races and you seem like you are near death. How is that fun? This is a common misconception that
nonrunners have. They see a runner gasping for his or her last breath of air;
or laying on the ground with their legs cramping up and unable to walk or even
stand and think that we are not having fun. Yea, I have to admit that this is a
tougher one to explain, but remember this is near death not actual death. We
have a secret process that starts the healing process quickly and begins to
erase the feelings of pain from our memory. This powerful healing tool is mass
produced out of cheap metal, and it is called the finishers medal. Its powers
are amazing. It is almost impossible not to smile when it is put on. Even if
you come in last place, in fact, it might be more powerful for that individual.
Twenty-four hours later amnesia sets in and we believe that we crushed that
race with ease. We are then scouring the web looking for another race.
You make runners
sound like self-obsessed fanatics who are addicted to running and part of a
leaderless cult. Am I wrong? Now finally a breakthrough and you only
thought we were odd and quirky. We are much more than that! We are a movement
with a purpose. Now I have a question for you.
What?
Do you want to join us?
