Monday, March 8, 2021

Runners 101: A Basic Guide for Nonrunners to Understand the Runner in their Life

There two types of people in this world runners and nonrunners.  One thing is obvious, and that is they do not understand each other.  Runners have certain tendencies that nonrunners think are a bit odd and quirky. While it may seem odd and quirky to a nonrunner, it makes perfect sense to a runner.

Since we are all together in this world with runners and nonrunners being in relationships, being married or related by blood or marriage, it is important that we get along and understand each other.  That is why I am here to help the nonrunner understand their quirky obsessed relative, friend, lover, or spouse.

What are my qualifications to solve this problem you might ask? Firstly, I am a self-obsessed quirky runner. Secondly, I came to running later in life so I was also a nonrunner. Most of my friends and family are nonrunners, including my wife.  If they gave out degrees for being a nonrunner my wife would have a masters. Then again, my wife would argue if they gave out degrees for being an odd and quirky runner, I would have my doctorate. So, as you can obviously see I am overqualified to pontificate on this subject.

To follow are some of the burning questions that the poor runners are peppered with on a daily basis that nonrunners think are strange but runners have perfectly logical reasons for doing.

Why do you have so many running shoes? Wouldn’t one or two suffice? This question exposes the naïveté of the nonrunner. First of all, you need two shoes for the different types of runs you do.  For example, trail running has a different shoe then road running.  So that is four shoes right there. One more for your treadmill running. That is five. You also need to always be breaking in a shoe for each run another two, so we are up to seven. I always have a pair for bad weather, now that is eight. Finally, some shoes have sentimental value such as the shoe you finished your first half marathon in, or you recorded your fastest 10k in.  So that makes it ten shoes that runner needs to have on hand. If the runner in your life has less than a ten shoes give them a gift certificate to purchase a new pair of running shoes. (Never, ever, buy a pair yourself and give them to them because we are also very particular on brands and models.)

Why do you have to drive three hours for a race when there are races much closer? A race is a race isn’t it? Another very silly question with a logical and mathematical answer. There is a mathematical formula (M x D x RB x PP x PR = RA) to explain the attraction of races that are not close to home. Let me explain the formula. It is M(miles from home) X D(distance of race) X RB(race bling) X PP(Posting power of photos) X PR(if a personal record is possible) = RA(the race attraction rate) This means that the longer the distance of the race and the further the race is from home, the harder it is to resist.  This was all discovered by an online university that is no longer in business but trust me this not theory but fact.  You want proof?  The Western States 100 mile race attracts thousands from across the world and the only way to get in is to win a lottery, and less than 5% usually win. Runners have been known to travel hundreds of miles for a trailfest (A long weekend with trail races over several days.) and then only have enough money to sleep in a tent, but hey they get a great t-shirt.


Aren’t you worried about your knees? Running is bad for the knees isn’t it? First of all if you are a runner do not answer this question with the first things that comes to you.  For me that was to answer the question, with my own question. “Aren’t you afraid that you growing fat ass will put too much weight on your knees?” For some strange reason that person unfriended me on Facebook.

Actually in this case there are studies that indicate the opposite of this “old wives tale” (Can we still use that term or is it sexist? It is also not accurate I have found that old husbands are better at making things up then any woman.) Any way luckily this study was done at Boston University which is still around and here is the evidence. Spoiler alert – It may actually do the opposite and strengthen your knees.

Why do runners have to always get their run in even when there are other obligations? For example why do you have to do your long run this morning we might be late for my sister’s wedding? We all have priorities in life and somedays getting your run in is the top priority.  If you start taking days off you can soon start slipping in a dark deep hole of becoming a nonrunner – no offense.

As for that measly reason for not getting in a run, going to a wedding.  Here is how I would reply.  Firstly, I have an important half marathon coming up and I need my long run day. Secondly, she will hopefully be married for the rest of her life and in fact this day is the least important because she will not even be married for the whole day. Even if we are a little late for the ceremony we will not miss the reception and that is the best part. Did I mention that I have a big race I am training for?

I have seen you after some tough races and you seem like you are near death. How is that fun?  This is a common misconception that nonrunners have. They see a runner gasping for his or her last breath of air; or laying on the ground with their legs cramping up and unable to walk or even stand and think that we are not having fun. Yea, I have to admit that this is a tougher one to explain, but remember this is near death not actual death. We have a secret process that starts the healing process quickly and begins to erase the feelings of pain from our memory. This powerful healing tool is mass produced out of cheap metal, and it is called the finishers medal. Its powers are amazing. It is almost impossible not to smile when it is put on. Even if you come in last place, in fact, it might be more powerful for that individual. Twenty-four hours later amnesia sets in and we believe that we crushed that race with ease. We are then scouring the web looking for another race.

You make runners sound like self-obsessed fanatics who are addicted to running and part of a leaderless cult. Am I wrong? Now finally a breakthrough and you only thought we were odd and quirky. We are much more than that! We are a movement with a purpose. Now I have a question for you.

What?

Do you want to join us?

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