Running with Guilt and Butterflies

It was a couple of days after I had finished running the length of New Jersey from the top, the High Point Monument in the Northwest corner of the state, to the Cape May Lighthouse in the Southeast an almost two hundred mile journey. I was pretty proud of myself. After all not too many people could accomplish that feat especially at the age of 62. Yet it was not lost on me that my crew team was lead by Ian Hockley. Ian had become a good friend and I loved him like a brother but I wish I had never met him and that I didn’t know him. Ian’s son Dylan was one of the twenty students lost in the Sandy Hook school shooting. I met him through work when he was a keynote speaker at our convention. This uneasy feeling rose up again after the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas. School shootings are senseless acts of violence.

Yet I can’t shake the pangs of guilt I have about enjoying my run and sharing laughs and even a drink with Ian knowing the relationship is all built on a senseless death. Even my running partner for the New Jersey run, Anthony, was built on school shootings. I did not know Anthony but a mutual friend Tom introduced us. Tom and I had collaborated numerous times on school security programs for school districts to prepare them for a school shooting.

My achievement and joy was in many ways built on senseless deaths of students. I know if I had the power I would trade my achievement away to bring back the lives of any students or teachers who were victims in a school shooting.

Robb Armstrong, Ian Hockley, myself, and Anthony Certa before starting our New Jersey Run.

In a conversation with a reporter before the run it was brought up that I was attempting something that few people could do. I acknowledged that fact, but added “That is true but Ian is doing something that I don’t think I could do. He is taking his pain and anger and focusing his energy on building something positive for kids.” I am not sure I could do that if it was my son or daughter that was killed so tragically. I like to think that I would but I am not sure. I could easily direct my energy on issues that anger me. What he is doing is more amazing.

Like a lot of runners I will regularly run for a charity. This run was also a fundraiser for Ian’s charity Dylan’s Wings of Change. They do social emotional learning programs in schools trying to improve a schools climate and culture.

As I ponder my conflicting feelings I thought of the mantra that governs Dylan’s Wings of Change. It is the Butterfly Effect. Which is how just small changes can accumulate with massive effect. Like a butterfly flapping its wings can cause a hurricane winds across the world.  It was inspired by Dylan’s mom seeing him flapping his arms when he was young and asking him what he was doing. He said that he was a butterfly.

While Dylan’s Wings of Change focuses on kids, the Butterfly Effect goes beyond kids. It effected me there is no way I could have finished or even attempted the run without Ian and Anthony not to mention Robb who is also affiliated with Dylan’s Wings of Change. So that small boy flapping his wings many years ago led to a 62 year old man pushing himself to his limits and running 196 miles.

Even during the run I felt the Butterfly Effect.  Friends, family, and even strangers came out to cheer Anthony and I on. They also donated to Dylan’s Wings of Change. They liked the idea that an individual was pushing himself to his limits for a good and positive cause. One woman even said that to me at a crowd that was gathered to greet us. “It was so good to see something so positive and uplifting.” I think that she was also alluding to the negative news that seems to all around us these days.

It was a bit overwhelming emotionally when you are feeling the power of the Butterfly Effect. The last few miles of the journey, I was very ineffectively trying to hold back tears.

It is also very overwhelming emotionally to observe another school shooting on the news. It also saddens me that our government seems incapable and some might even say unwilling to do anything about it. What can an individual do in this situation especially when the government is inept?

We can start small.  The Butterfly Effect does not demand large acts but small acts of kindness and positive energy. In our own community, we can start something that improves the climate and culture of our local schools. Obviously making all our kids having a safe space is important and maybe if we can prevent one troubled youth to seek help that will make a huge difference.

I also find that when a group of people start practicing acts of kindness it tends to build on itself and multiply to others. So, I do not see any downside to spreading kindness. Ian has modeled this by enriching students and adults lives, including mine with his relentless positive actions.

I know that for some reason mentioning anything to do with gun reform is a nonstarter for some people, but I am sure everyone would want a system that keeps guns out of the hands of people with mental and emotional problems.

If we all do a little, maybe we can prevent even unknowingly a senseless act of violence. In a strange way, it might be the only time preventing future friendships is a good thing.