COVID Confuses What is Right and Wrong

I was being a great “social distancing” uncle with my nieces’ two kids, ages five and eight.  I guess technically I am a grand uncle but they call me “Uncle Ray”, which makes me feel younger.  I had set up the sprinkler and the backyard so they could run through it and I even joined them. I was acting just as silly as them, maybe even sillier since I am sixty years old.  Now that I think about it, one of my best skills is being silly with kids.  It is not a skill that earns you much, or any money for that matter, but it does earn you the friendship of a youngster. It also earns you the appreciation of their parents for giving them a brief respite from watching their children. 

Through all this, we maintained our social distance since they were visiting us for the first time since the quarantine restrictions were slowly being lifted.

They had come from Brooklyn so they were enjoying the freedom of a backyard.  As we sat around with my niece and her kids, I could sense that the kids were getting a little restless.  I suggested that we explore the forest at the end of our street.  It is about twelve acres of undeveloped land completely full of mature trees.  I figured that in a forest there is always something to see.  Besides, the walk may tire them out.

When I first moved into our home, I used to walk into this woods often, as did my kids. There was a path that you could follow almost the entire length of the lot.  It however has been years since we had trudged it, and apparently, no one else had, because it was not there.  “No matter” I thought, we can bush whack it.  Soon my nephew was finding that this wooded lot was really a playground.  He lead us up as we scaled a mountain, climbed on top of a rock, found a tree which was bent over and was obviously a monkey bar.  His imagination was in high gear when he decided we should build a fort.  So we found a spot that we could begin to lay branches across for our fort.

While my nephew was excited and comfortable in his new playground, my niece however was not as comfortable.  Her basic reaction was to follow her brother’s lead.  As we were building the fort, she all of a sudden said, “I’m scared, can we go back?” I did not want to make this a traumatic moment for her so I said (to her brother’s chagrin) “let’s go.”

As we started to head back, she reiterated that she was scared.  She scampered to get close to me, which made me nervous.  I had been very careful about maintaining our social distancing.  She reiterated it one more time, “I’m scared”.  I tried to reassure her by talking with her, but she would have none of it. She then lifted her small hand up for mine.  It was wrong to take her hand because of COVID-19, but I took it anyway. That simple act calmed her down. In fact, calmed her down in a way that the spoken word could not.  I however, had pangs of guilt of what I was doing was wrong.

I held her hand for a short time because she was still a bit nervous. Mainly because she could not always see her older brother as he raced ahead of us galloping through the forest.  Once we got within sight of the houses, I released her hand.  I felt I had risked too much.

This is one of the malicious aspects about COVID-19 and the social distancing that accompanies it.  It takes simple acts of kindness and love and makes them taboo.  There are times (such as I had with my niece) when words are not as effective as the gentle kind touch at the right time.  Like at a funeral when words are hard to come by, a caring hug from a friend sends the exact right message.  This has been true for eons – that is until now. 

I work in the field of education and I thought of all those teachers of students in kindergarten thru third grade.  Those teachers need to show kindness and compassion with a simple touch, but that can’t happen.  They are by nature affectionate people and we have taken a significant educational tool away from them.  

That night I thought about the conflict raging in my head about holding her hand.  I realized that was the first time I had touched another person, besides my wife and my son in over three months.  I have to say I have missed the touch of another human. I have seen my mother, sister, daughter, and brother, and all I wanted to do was give everyone a hug and a kiss.  Even when I saw someone at work I wanted to greet them with a hug because we had not seen each other in so long, and we had all been through so much.

Sometimes I think we don’t realize how much we are losing as a society with all of us social distancing.  We can connect with Zoom, but it can’t replace a hug.  Please don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating for violating social distancing policies because it is one of the only tools we have in battling COVID-19. It is just that effects of COVID-19 cannot just be measured by medical statistics.  The social emotional toll is maybe the one that will last the longest.

Many of us want to go back to a normal life or more likely even find a “new normal”.  How will we know we are there?  For me I know.  It is when a young child reaches out for your hand out of fear and you can take it and know that it is right.

Trail Runners Have the Best Gym

(Author’s Note: This blog was written before the pandemic and when fitness centers were open and before they closed and still are closed in my home state of New Jersey.)

It was an unusually warm February day in Northern New Jersey as I got out of my car to start my weekend trail run.  As I closed the car door and looked around, I saw a man getting a wagon ready to pull for his dog, who I am guessing was arthritic.  He looked at me in my running gear a bit perplexed and said, “What no bike or dog?” It then occurred to me that while I have used this parking area as my starting point for trail runs, most of the people who park there use it for the two other purposes.  They use it for walking their dogs down to the river on a flat trail or using it as a place to park for a nice road biking excursion.  I said, “No I am going on the trail for a run.” He looked perplexed and I pointed across the street to faintly marked trail and said, “there!”  He looked at the trail and the forest behind him and said wistfully, “One day I will do that,” as if he was planning a trip to Europe.  I was a bit shocked since 95% of the park was beyond that trail head, but I understood he was taking care of his dog.

I park at that spot because it is on the fringe of the park and so adds distance and elevation to my workout. After that brief conversation, I took off on my regular trail run.  I steadily climbed for about a mile on a single track then descended for a bit before it leveled off. I circled a lake and went back into the forest along a swamp, then began another climb up a wooded trail.  After the climb on a single track trail, I descended  down and came to a road in the park which is a short portion of my run, but as I ran I came to a beautiful stream which I pass every time. This time however, I stopped and took in its beauty.  It was then I realized that this park was my gym!

Fitness centers and gyms are a big business these days, with numerous workout regiments and plans to fit almost any budget and lifestyle – but NOT Mine!

I am a trail runner dammit!  Our conditioning and workouts cannot be found nor replicated in a climate-controlled gym.

Not only that, but our trail runner gyms have amenities those gyms can only simulate through computer graphics.  To prove my point, I continued on my trail to the highest peak in the park.  When I got to the top of the Tourne I looked out and saw the skyline of New York City some 35 miles or so away. On previous runs I have come across Red-Tailed Hawks, fox, bear, snakes, Great Blue Heron and numerous other wildlife.  This can’t be replicated on a computer screen or in a climate-controlled facility.

Speaking of climate-controlled facilities, my gym and all other parks that trail runners train in, are literally climate-controlled.  Whatever the climate is, they are.  Since I live in a four-season area, the temperature and the environment for the gym changes drastically, and it is up to the runner to adapt with their gear.  I have run at temperatures as low as zero and as high as 90.  The colors of my gym also change with the season. With light greens and colorful flowers in the spring, to deep richer greens in the summer, to the changing colors of the leaves of fall.  On this day in the late winter, it is not the most spectacular with different shades of gray and brown permeating the landscape. There was no white of snow to add a brightness to the forest.  Yet even at my gym’s less then spectacular day, it is much better than all fitness centers.

I know that a lot of people go to chain fitness centers because they cannot only get a very steady and precise workout, but they like the interaction with the regulars in the gym.  It is the social aspect of building relationships and meeting people.  Yet my gym also offers that.  Humans are creatures of habit and they love routines.  On my weekend trail runs I often see the same people either biking, running, or walking their dog (My gym is pet friendly.  A major bonus!).  We exchange greetings and smiles like old friends.  One time after I had injured myself and could not run for a month, I was back on the trail and saw an elderly couple, Carl and Val. They walk their dog regularly on the trails and they stopped me and asked me “Where have I been?” What struck me was their obvious concern in the question.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that we all need exercise equipment to stay in shape.  I myself use my treadmill often. Especially before work when I have limited time to work out before my long commute to work.  When pressed for time I skip the trail run and opt for a road run.  Even though I do this on country roads, I find the noise of the cars unsettling and the exhaust from the cars distasteful.  I think changing my running routines is important so I can accept these other workouts. 

I also accept them because they are time based.  I am pressed for time and need to work out but do not have time for a trail run.  Trail runs are best savored, not rushed.  I often think when I start that I will do a short run today, but after a mile or two I find myself adding loops and mileage to my runs.  When I get home my wife often says, “Boy you were out a long time.” I usually reply “I went a little longer than I planned” but in reality, time is not a concern of mine in the forest.

The best part about my gym is that it is part of a nationwide chain of gyms for trail runners.  All across this nation there are parks, whether they be federal, state, county or even a local park.  Trail runners have a unique talent in finding beautiful and secluded areas even in well populated areas.  My small gym with miles of trails can be found in the most densely populated state less than forty miles from New York City.  While this is my favorite, I know several others, but this one is the closest so it works best.  If you ever wonder where the best parks are ask a trail runner (if you unfortunately don’t know any trail runners than a day hiker is a good alternative.) They will point you in the right direction.  It is probably closer than you think.  Possibly just across the street.

What I Miss and Took for Granted

I am running down the trail and in the distance, I see an elderly couple, I know that it is Carl and Val.  (Pictured below pre-social distancing) Since I have been running the trails of the Tourne Park for ten years now I have seen them often.  Over time it went from saying hi, to stopping and chatting.  I had not seen them in about seven weeks and I was worried.  They are elderly, well into their seventies and with COVID-19 in the air, they were type of people you worried about.  I stopped to talk and when I did, I instinctively took a step back and to the side. I call it the “COVID Slide”.  Now when we meet people we do not step forward, we step back and to the side.  Very aware of keeping our distance.  It is as if every encounter with another person is the same as if we had found a rattlesnake in our path. We keep our distance.

What bothers me is that this is becoming normal.  You see it in the grocery store. We all try and keep our distance from each other, though at times it is impossible.  I even find myself getting annoyed at other shoppers for stopping in front of an item and looking at the labels, oblivious to the fact that they are backing up the aisle. “Just grab the jar and go!  This is no time to check ingredients or compare prices.  You are holding me up!” I think to myself, as I quietly wait with my cart.

I have what I think are two good anchors that should help me through this difficult time of a quarantined lifestyle.  One anchor is my fitness and running, and the other is I am with my family.  While they may be an anchor to keeping a sense of normalcy in my life, it is COVID-19 (and the social distancing it requires) that is the true anchor.  An anchor from letting us go free and live life with other people.

Maybe this because I am a very social person. My wife calls me the “Schmoozer” because I can work a crowd at a party with the best of them.  I don’t think that anyone who I work with, who has seen me at the various meetings, would disagree.  I believe that we are all social creatures and need, maybe even crave, human contact.

As I get pretty good at stepping back and around people, I want to go back to stepping towards another person and shaking hands.  The longer we go into this social distancing quarantine, the more I realize the things I miss the most that cost nothing and that I took for granted,.

Ø  A simple handshake.

Ø  Being able to hug and kiss my ninety-two year old mother.

Ø  Seeing my daughter.

Ø  Hugs and kisses when you meet a friend or family member.

Ø  A bro-hug.

Ø  Sitting at a table with a group of people sharing a meal, sharing stories, and sharing laughter.

Ø  Before and after a race hanging with the other runners and swapping stories and experiences.

Ø  Having lunch with a friend.

Ø  Chatting in the lunchroom with my work colleagues.

Ø  Seeing people’s faces completely uncovered.

This is just a few of the numerous little encounters we all have with each other that were everyday occurrences that we took for granted.  Now those little things seem so big.

I have two fears as this COVID-19 pandemic goes on, and the social distancing that comes with it.  Even though we are currently in the process of relaxing some of the restrictions, human contact is still a no-no.

My first fear is one that is very likely. It is that this will go on until we have a vaccine, or at least a treatment for the disease, which is readily available.  The way it is looking, a vaccine or treatment that is readily available probably will not be available for the rest of the year, so we will be in this social distancing lifestyle for some time.  We are all trying to maintain our current relationships with family and friends. The number of people we communicate with on a regular basis has most certainly diminished.  While we are doing a pretty good job at maintaining our current relationships, what we are not doing is building any new relationships.  This diminishing number of relationships with other people will have a long-term effect.

My second fear, is that the fear of getting close to others will take a while to go away.  The longer we practice social distancing, the more ingrained it becomes into our life. So even after we have a vaccine, some people will still be leery of other people and practice some form of social distancing. Others like me, will probably jump back into the old way of doing things.  Wait, I take that back!  Even I will have to read people’s body language more keenly to see if they are okay with being greeted with a hug.

Everyone even now, has a different view of the quarantine.  Some are screaming to open up everything now.  Others rarely venture out and almost have panic attacks shopping for food. COVID-19 will stay with us even after it is no longer a threat. It has changed us.

I finish up my conversation with Carl and Val because I see people coming and it will be hard to practice social distance with more people. Plus, I am running, and I need to move on.  Later on, I come to another person walking on the trail. We both start our move to the side, but he does one other thing that I have seen become more common now.  He not only moves to the side but he turns his head away from me so there is no eye contact.  I know why he does it but even so my heart sinks and I take it personally.

One more thing that I miss.  People looking you in the eye when they walk by you.

The Path Back to Normal and the Trails (Part 2)

It was a week later after the Trail Gods had given me the green light to run. I had chosen a municipal park that had a great walking and running path that circled around the soccer and lacrosse fields.  It was completely flat and about a mile and three quarters in distance.  It is not a favorite running route, but it is good for when you are coming back from an injury because it is easy on the legs and as I said, completely flat.  Even though it was early May, the weather was not ideal. It was very cold and there were some snowflakes drifting around.  When I got to the park, I had on my cold weather gear including a knit hat because it was not only cold, but very windy.

I got out of the car and waited for the GPS on my watch to start which sometimes takes a while.  I was very nervous though.  I was not sure I was ready yet, and the cold windy weather did not help my mood either. The watch dinged. It was ready and so I guess so was I.  I started at a slow steady pace, about 3/4 of my normal pace. I felt a little awkward as my breathing was a bit labored, and I felt a bit stiff.  That however, is how I always start for about a mile or so before I settle into a rhythm.  After a mile, I felt better but the wind was howling and if there is one weather thing that annoys me, it is strong winds.  On this route half the time, I would be running against the wind as well.  “Very apropos” I thought. “Running against the wind”, feels like I have been doing that for a month now.

I had signed up for a virtual 5K and actually completed a little over four miles when I called it a day.  I felt good but frankly I knew that I was not right.  That night I even felt a slight tightness in my chest, the same tightness I had felt when I had COVID-19.

The next morning was a totally different day in so many respects.  Firstly, the weather was dramatically warmer.  Even in the morning it was sunny and over fifty degrees.  I only had to run in shorts and a t-shirt, which having run bundled up the day before, felt so light and free.  I eschewed the municipal park and went to my usual county park in which I always ran.  Though this time I would traverse the flatter trails and avoid the steeper climbs.  Not sure if it was the warmer weather, the great feeling of having just a shorts and a t-shirt on, or being back on my old running route after one long month, but I felt much better than I did the day before. My stride felt good and my breathing was easy. As I circled a lake, I saw some women staring into the trees and saw what they saw, a Scarlett Tanager.  It was beautiful.  A message from the Trail Gods. 

I continued on, and on one small descent, my feet felt light and I was gracefully floating over the rocks in the path like I used too.  I came to a fork in the path at mile three. My original plan was to bear right to avoid the longer distance as well as the climb but I veered left for the climb and the distance.  I was feeling great.  I ended up doing 4.5 miles and I know I could have done more but I was still taking my return to fitness slow and steady.

The following Wednesday early in the morning, before 7AM, I decided to run that same trail again.  There were very few people in the park and I felt great. As I circled the lake again, I once again saw the Scarlett Tanager. Though this time it was on the opposite side of the lake.  I stopped to take him in. After all, gifts from the Trail Gods should not be ignored.  I was running easy and free, breathing was steady, and I did not want to stop but I had to work that day.  When I returned to my car in the parking lot and stopped, I felt it!  That high you get after a good workout or run.  It is the feeling that makes you get up and run even on bad weather days.  It is also a sign of fitness. That weekend I extended my runs to seven miles on both days.

Early on the next Friday morning I decided to take another trail run, but this time to Pyramid Mountain County Park, the same place the Trail Gods had spoken to me and I had seen the trail runner.  It was a warm day and once again the park was nearly empty this early.  It was an enjoyable run. So enjoyable, that I decided to add a short loop to my run to see one of the parks most visited landmarks, Tripod Rock.  It is a large multi-ton boulder perched on three smaller rocks. I always like to take it in because it is fascinating to look at, and might be the single reason this park was originally preserved.  I  used to hike this park before it was officially a park and the only trails pretty much lead to it.  After the core of the park was preserved, then additional adjoining lands, such as Turkey Mountain and Kincaid Woods, were added, to make one fabulous park.

I was running free and was surprised that I was almost back to the parking lot.  I was thinking about Tripod Rock and the mystery of it.  There are two schools of thought on it.  One that it was the work of Native American and the other that it is a remnant glacial motion.  I however know the real story.  It is the work of the Trail Gods. They are always communicating with us, we just have to listen more.  Take it from me.

 

The Path Back to Normal and the Trails (Part 1)

I got out of my car and was a bit excited. It was the first day that the county and state parks were open in New Jersey and it was like a sign to help me get back to my old normal routine of trail running. I however would not be running this trail, just walking in the woods, which was just as good.  I had beaten back COVID-19 and I was not sick anymore but while I was well, I was not fit, there is a major difference. “Well” means you are not sick but “fit” has a more positive connotation and means you are more alive.

I wanted to be “fit” again but I was very hesitant because COVID had sapped much of my energy, which I expected. What I did not expect was the way it had attacked my confidence.  I was trying to figure out when to try to run again but I was hesitant and a bit scared.  I had been walking around three miles every day for a couple of weeks but running, scared me.  Would it trigger a relapse? Were my lungs up to the challenge? Had COVID-19 left any permanent damage? I was questioning everything in my head, which is a sign that your confidence is shaken. With my confidence shaken it was hard to move forward. 

In these uncertain times, I wanted something “normal” that I could anchor myself too.  If I could get back to running on trails again and being fit, I would feel normal.  Yet I knew it would not happen overnight.

As soon as I entered the forest, I felt at home. It was a beautiful day I only needed a t-shirt as I walked through the forest.  This was not my normal running trail but a trail I have hiked often.  I was a bit afraid to go to my normal running trail and be seen “walking” by the park regulars.  It might bring up a conversation I did not want to have about why I was walking and not running. A bit silly I guess, but I felt it none-the-less. 

After two miles, I was feeling great when I saw a woman approaching me who was running, it was a trail runner, something that is rarer in this park.  As she got closer we started to practice social distancing by moving to the side when from a distance she looked at my shirt and stopped and said “I did that race”.  I was wearing a trail race t-shirt from NJ Trail Series and this one was the “Wildcat Ridge Romp” which was a tough trail race.  All of a sudden, we were in a conversation about various trail races and we had done some of the same races.  We were lamenting the fact that there were no races.  I told her about my Zion race and then she mentioned that today she was supposed to be doing the Rock the Ridge 50 Mile Challenge, a race I had done three times.  I all of a sudden thought of the weather that was in the low 50’s and sunny and said it would have a been a perfect day to run the race.  We spoke longer than I expected I even told her that I had had COVID-19.  I told her about a virtual race that someone was hosting but she said she had enough of virtual races and would just train until there was a real one.

I think we both enjoyed the conversation because it was like the banter runners have before and after a race.  You don’t get that banter from virtual races.  We had both obviously done the same races so it was fun to talk about that world.  A world we both obviously wanted to get back too.

We eventually ended our conversation and moved on in the opposite directions, her running, me walking.  That conversation however, changed my mindset completely.   I wanted to run again badly, my fear was gone and my confidence returned.  I knew that my body was not quite ready yet but it was very close. In that conversation, I had realized that I am a trail runner!  That is part of my identity and I need to work to get back to it.  It is not like I was not working my way back I had been walking every day and I had even signed up for a virtual race but I knew that I could also walk that race.  The problem was that the path back to running was long.  COVID-19 was also testing my patience.  I had to do this slowly yet steadily.

I continued on my hike and originally I was going to do about four miles but I felt so good mentally and physically, I extended my hike and would do almost six miles. 

My religious beliefs when I am the forest and on the trails tends to swerve to the mystical spectrum.  I believe that the Trail Gods are always sending you messages.  A beautiful waterfall that forces you to stop and take in Mother Nature or even something small like a Scarlet Tanager.  I also believe in trail angels: people put in your path to help you or send you a message.  People you most likely will never see again.  I know that because it happened to me on a 50 Mile trail race before, that someone was placed in my path to help me and that someone was placed in my path so I could help them.

The trail gods were speaking to me on this hike. Yes, there were the fast flowing streams and beautiful early blooms of flowers but the one thing that was a little different was the trail runner.  She was a message that was being sent to me.  As I strolled through the park often stopping to take pictures, it began to formulate in my head that I would run again.  It would not be the next day but the following week.  I picked the location, which was a park that was completely flat, so that way I could ease into my first run and if that went well back to the trails.

I was walking steady and with a purpose now and thoroughly enjoying myself.  Normally I would have hiked longer but I was mindful not to overdo it.  To push hard but to push myself slow and steady.  I was about a mile from the parking lot when all of a sudden I saw her again - The trail runner!  As she got closer, I shouted to her kiddingly “You’re still running” she smiled and said “Of course I am training.”  We stopped and started another conversation about races and running.  This time the conversation was a bit shorter, than we both went our separate ways, once again her running, me walking.

As I headed back to my car, I knew that the Trail Gods were making sure I got the message. The time to run the trails is near.

(End Part 1)

Coming Out of the COVID-19 Fog

( May 2020) 

We often took family vacations on lakes in the state of Maine.  It would be late summer and that far north at night it would get very cool.  The next morning there would be a fog and mist covering the entire lake.  You could not see any of the shoreline or even much of the water.

Often I would get up early with my morning cup of coffee and watch the morning unfold.  The sun would rise but was just a small weak dot trying to break through the dense fog, slowly however, it grew warmer and you could see the fog slowly but steadily dissipate.  Toward the end all that was there was a few misty clouds floating over the lake.

I used to really enjoy the silent display that Mother Nature put on for me.  I have not however enjoyed my bout with COVID-19 at all even though it has unfurled much like the fog over those Northern Maine lakes.

When COVID-19 hit me it came on fast and after a morning walk, all of a sudden I was exhausted and dead tired, so much so that I went to sleep. I woke up with a fever, was achy and had bad cough.  Immediately my wife who was recovering from COVID-19 isolated me but I was confident that with a day or two of rest I would conquer COVID-19.  The world was however foggy to me.  I could not concentrate.  I stopped reading and even watching television took energy.

My mind and body were fighting the COVID but unlike the sun that burns the fog off in a day, the fog hung on to me for days.  All of a sudden, on day five while I was still in a fog with the cough and persistent fever, I was not achy and while not energetic, I was not fatigued.  By day ten the fever broke, while the cough still lingered.

The world was clearing up to me.  I began to read books and the newspaper.  While I had never stopped working completely it was not a burden anymore.  Luckily, the weather also broke and I went outside more often.

Yet there were still clouds clinging stubbornly to me.  While I was not sick, I also was not well.  It is hard to explain but I knew I was not 100% maybe 85%, but I also knew I would get better.

The last few clouds however were also COVID scars.  It was a gnawing feeling that maybe I had lost something forever.  Would I be able to run long distances again?  I was known for being a very social person who hugged people at social gatherings but would people be fearful of doing that because I had COVID?  Would it come back?  These questions were the remaining mental games COVID had left me.  Frankly, I was a bit scared of my future.

One thing I had not explained earlier about my mornings of watching the fog dissipate over a Northern lake.  When it was over, I felt like attacking the day and almost immediately would take a morning walk or run before everyone else had awaken.  It had energized me to watch Mother Nature.

While it was not one morning that my fog had lifted but closer to two weeks it had lifted. I was not at full strength but I did feel more energized to live my normal life again or as normal as we can live a life in quarantine. 

I started to read again and even write a little.  I did crossword puzzles.  I started to do nonstrenuous walks every morning in my neighborhood.  The fresh air felt great as I strolled for a little over two miles, which I increased to about three and a half miles after a week.  A far cry from my two hour runs but I was going in the right direction.  I even walked in misty rain and once again, I was not bothered by less than ideal weather conditions.

While I had never lost my sense of smell or taste, I did not really care about what I ate.  As the fog lifted, I all of a sudden really cared and began craving fresh fruits and vegetables.  My wife knew I was better when I asked for a cup of coffee as well.  She definitely knew I was getting better when I began poking fun at her and joking around.

I am keenly aware about how lucky I am that both my wife and I recovered.  There are people who stayed in that fog for much longer than I did.  Too many who went into that fog which never lifted and are one of the grim numbers that rises every day on a news report.

Living in quarantine is stressful and not very stimulating.  My wife and I dreamed about taking our annual summer vacation (Something we know is not a sure thing.).  We never stay in the same place every year so where to go is always an interesting conversation. When she asked about my thoughts, I replied “I would like to go to Maine.”  I thought to myself “I want to watch the fog lift”

The Mental Game of COVID-19

(May 1, 2020) 

I will admit that I am a little extreme in my thoughts about staying healthy and battling illness.  I firmly believe that your “mind” is the most essential antidote to illness.  I had an eccentric uncle who believed in this and at a young age of twelve or thirteen, I tried it and whenever I started to feel sick, I would think positive and healthy thoughts and recovery was only a day away.  That was until COVID-19.

I attacked my COVID-19 infection like any other illness.  I would stay positive, rest a bit, but not completely give in or feel sorry for myself.  Then in a few days while I will not be completely healed I know I will be quickly back on the road to being healthy again.  I was relying on past experience to battle my current illness.  That was my first mistake.

COVID-19 likes to linger (At least in my case) and for over a week, while I did not get worse I did not get better either.  The fever and the cough persisted. 

My second mistake and one that caught me even more off guard was that the mental aspect of dealing with COVID-19 was much tougher than I had anticipated.  As I stated earlier I believe a positive and healthy mindset is vital to a recovery.  Yet during my battle with COVID-19 I found it much harder than usual to maintain that positive mindset.  Why?

First the isolation.  Even before I was ill the whole family was in quarantine and since my wife had shown signs early on of COVID-19 we had begun isolating ourselves from each other so our meals were not something we shared, neither was watching TV, or even long conversations.

After I was infected the isolation became even firmer I was regulated to one room.  It is hard to stay upbeat when you are staring at the same things 24/7.  We have a nice plant in our family room that I grew to hate, because it reminded me of my captivity.

I continued to work from home which did several positive things.  First, it made me move to the other end of the room.  This changed my view so I did not have to stare at that plant again.  It also forced me to sit up straight, which was good for my lungs.  It also made the day go faster.   Though, that first week I did not have the energy to work all day.  I remember one time I decided to rest about 15 minutes before a Webex meeting and before I knew it, I was asleep and missed the first 15 minutes of the meeting.  Working however distracted me from being sick for the most part and it forced me to think of the future positively.

Despite those positives, I was not energized by work because I was missing the interaction with other people which is a large part of my work and the part I enjoy the most.

Even my meals had become boring.  It is not that they tasted bad or anything, my wife and son did cook some great meals.  It was just that I was eating alone on a tray table.  It was like eating in a hospital.  The meals were dropped off and picked up and I ate because I was hungry and needed sustenance.  I was not however dining having conversation while I ate.   There is a huge difference between eating and dining.

I tried to go outside but there was really only one really nice day.  Most of the days were cold and damp.  I would walk around the yard but the cold really hit me.  Normally I love the cold but with COVID-19 I really felt the cold and did not stay outside long.

Finally having COVID-19 somehow made me feel bad about myself.  There was somehow something wrong with me.  It was like I was the character Hester Prynne in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel The Scarlet Letter.  Instead of the letter “A” it was “C-19”.  I don’t have a logical reason I should feel this way except that maybe I knew I was contagious and needed to stay away from people.  Which outside of my trips to the grocery store I had done.

With all these negative feelings swirling around, it was harder to focus on the mental game of beating COVID-19.  I could not imagine being hospitalized with COVID-19 and being surrounded by strangers, obviously caring strangers, but strangers nonetheless.  It would be easy to lose the mental game.

For me to win this mental game I did what I had done in ultramarathons I broke it down to legs and in this case I took it day by day.  Until I realized that after four days the aches were gone then the fatigue.  Each symptom that dropped lifted my spirits.

I also received positive energy from outside the house.  I had decided to go public about the struggles with COVID-19 my wife and I were having, for a couple of reasons I won’t get into here, but it was surprising one of the more positive things I did in helping my health.  The outpouring of support from my friends on Facebook and the people I work for and with was genuine and touched me.  I will admit while I don’t have a large social media presence almost 100% of them are people I have met in person they are not just someone I friended. 

While at the moment, I feel that I am on the road to complete recovery I realized one final lesson in the mind game of health.  Sending positive energy to someone has an impact.  It changes their mindset or at least keeps them positive and while it was an eccentric uncle who first introduced me to the importance of a positive mindset in one’s health.  It was an eclectic group of people of people on Facebook who affirmed it.