Moving Forward in a Race and in Life When the Wheels Fall Off

We all have times in our lives when, despite all our preparations and effort, things fall apart. You come face-to-face with your own limitations. We confront the fact that the goal we set for ourselves may not be met.

This recently happened to me at a 12-hour race. It is almost always inevitable that in an ultra-marathon, something will go wrong. It is guaranteed that it will happen in your life. It is how we move on from those moments that define us. Here is a look at what happened.

It was an extremely hot and humid day at the SquatchySurprise 12-Hour Trail Race. I am not great running in heat. This was a hot humid day in the mid to upper eighties.  The sweat had soaked my shorts and t-shirt. I was dripping sweat, but I was not the only one. As other runners passed me, they glistened. They too had sweat-soaked shorts and tops. I thought I was doing okay.  I ran at a slightly slower pace to conserve my energy in the heat and I was careful to consume water and electrolytes. Yet as I came back from my loop after completing 30 miles, I was feeling a bit hungry but also queasy at the same time.

I plopped down in the chair that I had set up at my own personal aid station. I had a cooler full of various drinks, and a bin for additional gear to help me through the race.  On the lawn there were canopies and many other chairs and coolers, plus friends and family members of runners who would greet the runners and be their crew. Young kids were also running around playing games. It was basically a picnic with sweaty and dirty runners popping in and out.

I quickly went for a protein drink and some electrolytes. I then had some fresh fruit and some soda. I didn’t take too much of anything but I knew that I needed to stay hydrated and get some calories. I still had almost six hours left. Plenty of time to reach my goal of more than 40 miles. Then all of a suddenly my stomach revolted. I shot out of my chair and threw up a couple of times.  It shook me to my core. I berated myself for immediately drinking and eating when I felt a bit queasy coming in. I just sat there in my chair trying to regain my composure.  I looked around to see if anyone among the crowd had witnessed my low point. I didn’t see anyone staring. Then just a couple of minutes later my stomach revolted again, and I threw up a couple of times. I felt awful.

I sat in my chair contemplating my future in this run, Should I just stop now? No, I thought to myself. I haven’t even done a 50K. I glanced up across the clearing and saw a woman with a distraught look on her face. It gave me some validation that this was a rough day. I took solace that I was not the only one suffering. It wasn’t my proudest moment to be happy someone else was suffering.

I wanted to quit the race, but I would have felt like a failure. I was about ten or eleven miles from my goal of at least 40 miles. I still had plenty of time, but I was also suffering from the heat. As I sat there suffering, I knew that I had to change my approach. I took off my shirt and only wore my hydration vest. I also took my bandana and filled it with ice and wrapped it around my neck. I would take this next loop slowly and then reexamine my condition at that time. Hey, I thought to myself I have been miserable before and overcome it. Heck, I climbed out of the Grand Canyon just a few months prior and I was in bad shape then.

The first ¾ of a mile was a steep climb so I walked that part but once over that climb I began to run slowly. With no shirt and the ice around my neck I felt much better. The ice had completely melted by the time I finished my loop. I now had only six miles left to get to forty miles so I decided to go for it. I really ate very little but figured once again that I had climbed out of the Grand Canyon on an empty stomach. That was a more difficult climb. I could do it again.

On my last loop I knew that I had plenty of time to get over 40 miles. I was really beat and  somewhat surprised that I would finish 41 miles. I was so close to quitting and doubting my ability. Yet the decision to change my strategy really paid off.  Yet while I was happy with the results my body still was not happy at all.

When I got home, I was planning on eating some food and drinking a celebratory beer. However, I had no desire for food or beer. I kept drinking ginger ale with plenty of ice. My body needed to recover from the heat and my exertion. It needed rest.

It is funny. I always think that ultra races have so many life lessons about overcoming obstacles, planning, and determination. And they do. Yet in my recent race experience I hit a major obstacle, had self-doubt, and needed to figure a way to move ahead.

Well before I was an ultra-runner, I was a young man with a young family.  The position I had at work was eliminated. My reaction was pretty much the same as on the run. I sat down and felt sorry for myself for a short time then worked on a plan to move ahead professionally. Maybe all those down moments in life made me a natural born ultra-runner.

There are striking parallels between life and ultrarunning, yet there is a difference. At least for me. In life I always seemed a bit surprised and shaken when things go wrong, whether it is at work or my personal life. I am not prepared. In ultra-running I am usually not surprised when things go wrong. In fact, I try to anticipate what can go wrong and even prepare for it.

While expecting things to go wrong does not always make it easier to finish a run to its completion it does make it possible. There is one trick I have honed to get me through tough ultra marathons. I used it in this past race when I remembered my toughness in the Grand Canyon run. That is drawing strength from past successes and believing in yourself. Knowing that you had overcome a major obstacle before gives you confidence that you can do it again. That is why I like difficult challenges even at work. Once you have even a little success at a difficult chore it builds your confidence. The key word here is that the challenge needs to be difficult. You do not build confidence by doing easy things.

Not everyone is an ultra-runner. Yet when things go wrong in life, it helps to have the mindset of an ultra-runner. It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself and even berate yourself. But only for a short time. The next step is to figure out how to move forward. Think of past achievements and have confidence in yourself. We are all capable of more than we think.

Tears Shed for the Grand Canyon

Every time I see a news report of a natural disaster—whether it is a hurricane, flood, or fire—my heart breaks for the victims.

That is because I can relate, even in a small way. My parent’s home was once flooded, and while we did not lose everything, it took a lot to pick up all the pieces and start again. There is the agony of throwing out items that hold a lot of memories. When I see the a natural disaster, I almost always make a donation to an area relief fund. These places are far away from my home—places like Hawaii, Texas, and California.  I’ve never visited the sites of most of these disasters. But the Dragon Bravo Fire at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon is different. That blaze, which started after a lightning strike on July 4 and continues to burn as I am writing write this blog, is more personal.

Less than three months before that fire, I completed running the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim-to-rim. I experienced on foot the South Rim and the North Rim. I traveled the canyon trails, crossed the Colorado River and ran along Bright Angel Creek. I stopped at the man-made locations such as Phantom Ranch, Cottonwood Campground, and Manzanita rest area.

There are few places on this earth that are more magical and special than the Grand Canyon. The pictures of the canyon are awe-inspiring. People travel long distances to just peer over the South Rim. Yet, as my experience revealed to me, that magnificent view is just a small part of the grandeur of the Grand Canyon.

Luckily in this fire no lives have been lost. It has also been confined mostly to the North Rim, an area that is much quieter than the famous South Rim. The South Rim is still open and bustling. The news coverage has been scant, maybe because it is in a more remote part of the park. On the east coast where I live when I mention the fire almost no one even knows about it. It is however the largest forest fire in the United States this year. Yet for me and others with Grand Canyon experiences that are similar to mine, this fire hits home.

This was not just a fire in a faraway place, it was a personal memory of a special and magical place—a memory of an adventure. In some ways, it was a solo journey that was a shared memory I had with strangers. Before the run I had read about other runners and hikers’ experience doing rim-to-rim-to-rim. I got great advice from a Facebook group which helped tremendously. I commented on others’ dream of exploring the Grand Canyon. While I had not seen the lodge on the North Rim I felt a connection to it. For most of us who have accomplished this feat, it was not done on a whim. It took a great deal of planning and preparation.

Those who now dream of a similar Grand Canyon adventure have had to put that dream on hold. I see their posts as they wonder when they can once again pursue their dream. Since the fire is still raging there is no way to know what the timeframe is to reopen the North Rim. My guess is that their dreams will be deferred much longer than they anticipate. We do not know what the short- and long-term effects of the fire will be.

I saw someone post that they had planned to do this run to celebrate a milestone birthday and were now seeking something else, but they wanted it to be as epic as the Grand Canyon. Good luck, I thought. That is a very high bar.  In this beautiful country I know that there are some epic runs but there is something special about the rim-to-rim-to-rim.

One of the lessons I have learned in life is that if you have something that you really want to do, do it now. Don’t wait. There are no guarantees in life. That was why I decided to do it as soon as I could. But I admit when I was thinking that life holds no guarantees, I was contemplating the human element. I could never even imagine that the Grand Canyon might not be open.

As I came to the realization that this fire had destroyed all the buildings on the North Rim and even entered the canyon itself, my heart sank. I looked at my photos of the canyon that I had run. I watched the videos I have—particularly the ones at the North Rim and the North Kaibab Trail. It was a wonderful and awe-inspiring adventure that I hope others can one day replicate.

I know that as I ran the canyon on my way back, I thought of returning and going slower and exploring it even more over a few days. To the vast majority of visitors the views of the South Rim are the Grand Canyon, to others, like me, that is not true.  You cannot separate out the sections of the canyon. The inner canyon trails, the North Rim, Bright Angel Creek, and the Colorado River are all intertwined. You may not see them from the top of the South Rim, but they are just as important, even though they draw fewer visitors.

When I had finished my Grand Canyon run my friend Ed said to me “Ray you are in a very select group. The number who do that is very small.” I pooh-poohed that because I reasoned that people do it every day. Now, for the foreseeable future, they can’t. But Mother Nature will rebound and I am sure that people will once again traverse the Grand Canyon.

I know that the news coverage of the Dragon Bravo Fire has not been in our face, probably because there was less damage to man-made buildings. Yet to me the damage runs deeper because it has destroyed a beautiful natural landscape.

To those tourists who walk the South Rim, the Grand Canyon is magnificent and awe inspiring, though the experience is almost only two-dimensional. For those of us who traversed the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim-to-rim the canyon awakens all your senses and is spiritual. Spiritual losses affect you deeply. I don’t think I am alone with this pain.

Someday the Grand Canyon will rebound. When it does, I recommend that you make the effort to traverse it. As we have seen so dramatically, there are no guarantees in life.

 

 

 

Channeling Your Inner Mae West When Choosing a Run

 Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

—Mae West

Most people do not associate Mae West with running, especially ultra running.  The famous vaudeville sex symbol and queen of the double entendre was before my time and I doubt she ever ran a mile in her entire life.  Yet I and many other ultra runners live by her well known quote above. We just replace the word “evils” with “runs” and we have our mantra.

Ultra runners by nature are restless souls. They start off by just running road races or short trail races. Then they finish a marathon and wonder what else there is? Yes, I have races that I do on a regular basis but there is something attractive about a race in a different location or a unique challenge.

So, when I look at my year of running I know that there will always be a few races I bookmark but all of a sudden, I have this urge for a tough and unique challenge. I know that I am not the only crazy runner out there which I will get to in a minute. First let me explain this year’s runs. I have two races I was determined to do. They are two totally different kinds of runs, but they fulfilled my Mae West urge.

The first was running the Grand Canyon rim to rim to rim.  That came about because my wife and I were planning on seeing friends in Arizona sometime in April. I knew that Arizona has great trail races, so I began to search races in which to include in my trip. Somehow, I stumbled upon people who run the Grand Canyon rim to rim to rim. Before long I was obsessed with the idea and started watching YouTube videos and reading as many articles as I could on the endeavor. 

Yet I knew that high from the Grand Canyon run would not last and I would need something else to fixate on.  So, at the same time as I was scheduling the Grand Canyon run I registered for A Race for the Ages (ARFTA[JB1] ). They couldn’t be two more different races. The Grand Canyon was a self-supported run. It had extreme climbs and descents with widely vary temperatures. (Sadly, after I had written this blog a major forest fire raged through the North Rim and this run is not possible now.)  It was completely on trails. ARFTA is a short mile loop on pavement, and you get as many hours to run it as you are old so I will have 66 hours. Most of the runners will be in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. There is food provided and really no elevation to speak of. I was so excited for both adventures. They would each test me in different ways. They also met the Mae West test – something different.

Now I don’t want you to think that I am the only crazy runner who does this. My friend Dave flew to England to do a race in which he ran up and down a mountain for 24 hours. More recently he entered a 48-hour race in Poland because he thought it sounded great. My friend Anthony became obsessed with running the Cocodona 250, which is a grueling 250 mile trek throughout Arizona.

Those runs make mine seem rather tame in comparison. I am limited by work obligations to certain times of the year to take time off for a run, although including them in a vacation has helped. My wife thinks it is the opposite, that I pick a run and then convince her we should go on a vacation there. Which is absolutely true.

It is really not our fault. Yes, we are attracted to these running adventures. But we are also victims of social media algorithms. The social media sites know we are the Mae Wests of running. We are helplessly lured into trying a new run on a regular basis. They show up on our feeds. YouTube videos of races we heard about vaguely but now come to life as someone else describes their running adventure.

Yet I can’t completely blame social media. We each feed each other’s addiction. I met my friend Miriam at an ultra-marathon and realized that she had authored a book about her life and running called Come What May: I Want to Run. I read it and it led me to entering A Race for the Ages.

While I am really looking forward to ARFTA and a couple of races after that there is something that is gnawing at me. I have no new races or runs planned for 2026. I am doing research on various races and thinking up interesting challenges on my own but have not settled on anything. There is an empty feeling without a new challenge out there.  I know that it is out there. I just have to find it.

It is hard to describe this restlessness about ultra running to nonrunners. Even close friends and family members do not understand our need to find a different race or run and a challenge. They think it is a crazy obsession. It is tough that the only person who I know would understand our obsession is Mae West.

 

 

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 [JB1]Ray- I don’t think you need to put this race title in boldface- you haven’t bold-faced the other titles---  I am going to “unbold” it in subsequent mentions-- you might want to do the same here.

Crewing for a Fragile Yet Tough 97-Year-Old Mother

As my sister and I toured the assisted living facility, we realized it had almost everything that my mother could need. Even so, I was not happy about it.

My mind flashed back to when I worked in a nursing home one summer. Although I worked on outdoor maintenance and cleanup, I was often inside and could observe the residents. It was a job my mother had helped me get, since she worked there as a nurse. It was a traumatic experience for an 18-year-old that is still with me. I remember telling my mother that when I get old, I never want to go to a facility like that! Why I expected my mother to have a say in that decision I have no idea. Although I sensed she understood. Yet here I was facing a decision along with my siblings on what was best for my 97-year-old mom.

My mother had taken a bad fall and broken her elbow, but the hospital and rehab stay had dimmed her memory and mental agility. Before the fall she lived by herself and while we had someone stop by every day, she was very independent. She was not a normal 97-year-old. She was feisty and up on what was going on. Now however she was weaker, meek, and was showing signs of confusion at times. It’s as if the fall and subsequent stay in medical facilities had not only injured her physically but had affected her mental facilities. The question was what was temporary and what was permanent.

My two brothers, my sister, and I immediately organized and made sure she had one of us visit her every day. We became her crew team. In ultra marathons like 100-mile runs, even elite athletes have crews. They are friends and family who wait for the runner at various points along the course providing physical and nutritional care, but their most important role is the emotional support keeping them going and sometimes even pushing them a little. I know on my 100-mile run I needed them. I was running in bad condition longing for my crew. On one race it is the only thing that got me through to the end.

In my mother’s case the crew is running to her. She is locked in one place. She was in a rehab facility with the same view. All the days are the same. There is no Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, just days. They are all the same. As she said to me “If it wasn’t for the news channel on the TV I wouldn’t have any clue what day it was.” It is a mind-numbing existence but a necessary one for her to heal her body. The staff was very attentive to her physical and medical needs but only the crew could give her an anchor to her memory.

I know sitting with my mother I could see her struggle to remember her fall. She was frustrated that she couldn’t remember. She was also fighting the tedium. I could see my feisty mom battling everything. We would take her outside on a patio if the weather was nice but that was just a short reprieve. It was not just my mother feeling the tedium. Even for me it was becoming monotonous and mind-numbing. She would ask me how long she had been here, and a few weeks in, I couldn’t remember.

The decision before us did not have many options that were appealing.  Yet we needed to make a decision. We ended up not going to the assisted living facility but instead had a recommended aide come live with her in her condo. Our belief was that while we could be her anchor in a strange facility, she needed a familiar setting that felt like home to help her. This would help her emotionally and mentally. We wanted our feisty mom back.

When we told my mother she would be leaving the rehab facility she was relieved and seemed to perk up.  She seemed to be coming out of her fog. Once I said to her that she seemed better. She then said to me something that illuminated up all those internal battles I could see her fighting. She said “I was afraid that this was the way it was going to end.” Meaning in that rehab facility. This was the first time I had ever heard my mother worry about dying and how it might happen.

We were all nervous when we brought her back home. She seemed okay with her aide, and we could tell she was happy to be home with her crew. Her crew can’t, however, be a 24/7 crew because we all have work and family obligations of our own. Hence the aide. Through those first two weeks we will still be checking in with her almost daily.

As I checked in with her on the first few days, I could see that she was sleeping and eating better. She also was more relaxed and happier. Yet it is still early. Unlike an ultra-marathon with a set time and distance that the crew must work, my mother’s fall now means the crew has a lifetime duty.

My mother is very lucky to have this crew. The crew is also very lucky to have each other. It is hard to be a caregiver. Often the bulk of the duties fall on one person, and it can be very taxing on a person’s own mental health.

My mother is tough and feisty and was a very independent woman. She was a bread winner when women in her generation were not. I do not think that it is a mere coincidence that all her sons married strong independent women and her daughter is strong and independent. Yet no matter how strong and independent you are we all need others. Her memory has been affected enough so that she cannot take care of herself. Being surrounded by caring people is so important. Having a good crew can make all the difference in the world.

 

 

Eight Life Lessons Learned Running the Grand Canyon Rim to Rim to Rim

Ten days after I completed running the Grand Canyon rim2rim2rim I was back home in New Jersey and at the starting line for a 50k trail run. It was probably not the smartest decision I ever made but it was good to be back on forest trails. I overheard two runners talking about previous trail races and one said “I learned a lesson on that race.” The other one responded, “there are lessons on every race.” I wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

My rim2rim2rim run in the Grand Canyon was not a race but a run. The lessons, however, are ingrained more deeply in my soul than the Colorado River is in the canyon. Some of these lessons are ones I have learned before but this run reinforced them. Others are completely new. Here they are in no particular order.

1.       Do Hard Things – We live in a society that spends its time trying to find the easiest way to do something. Drive-up windows for a cup of coffee. Remote controls for our TVs. I mean now we don’t even have to get up to turn on the lights or put on music. “Siri or Alexa” will do it for us. Yet I never felt more alive than when I was dead tired after finishing the rim2rim2rim. The next day I relived some of the difficult and beautiful parts of the run in my mind. This experience was what they call Type 2 Fun. Something that seems almost miserable at the time but when you look back on it, the memory is a positive and happy one. Hard things are Type 2 fun. The accomplishment was not a virtual one but a personal one. When you accomplish something that pushed you to your limits it makes other difficult challenges seem possible. It will also change your mindset and make you believe in yourself more.

2.       It’s Okay to Feel Insignificant – As I was running down, across, and up the canyon, there were throngs of tourists at the top of the south rim taking selfies and photos with the Grand Canyon as a spectacular backdrop. It isn’t one of the Seven Wonders of the World for nothing. While they were up there frolicking, they were completely unaware that there were people like me who were struggling on the canyon trails. They couldn’t even see us or even most of the bottom. As for me, those people were not of my concern. I could not even see them.  Whether we were at the top or the bottom of the canyon we seemed insignificant. However, I would stop often in take in the spectacle of the sun rising and setting on the canyon walls. It is hard not to be in awe of Mother Nature wherever you are in the canyon. If you ever wanted proof of a higher being, I cannot think of a more convincing piece of evidence than the Grand Canyon.

3.       Do Your Homework – Yes, I said do hard things, but it is best to be prepared to do them. That means not only training but knowing what you are asking yourself to do. For this run, I read numerous articles and watched more YouTube videos than I can count to see what the experience would entail. I even watched or read accounts of people who failed because they made a mistake. That way I could learn from their mistake. There was a Facebook group just for this challenge which I found very useful.  However, I was shocked at some of the questions that were posted. If the poster had done even a modicum of research, they would have known the answer. You need to be prepared for when things go wrong and not just depend on your guts to get you through. I may be daring but I am not reckless. It’s a good life lesson.

4.      All Miles are not Created Equal – No matter how you measure it, a mile is 5,280 feet. It is the same all over the world. Yet they are not all the same, not even close. Just about a month before undertaking the Grand Canyon run, I ran the same distance with a good amount of elevation over 8,200 feet (compared to the 11,600 of the canyon) in about 11 ½ hours.  So, I estimated that with the extra elevation and stops for picture-taking it should be 14 maybe 15 hours. But it was almost 17 ½ hours—a six-hour time difference from my earlier run.  I still really don’t know how to completely account for the difference, but my past experience was not a good indicator of future performance. While I was running slower than usual, in my head I kept thinking I would get back to my normal pace, which was a fallacy. I should have known better. A mile is not a mile. The terrain, climate, and environment determine the difficulty just as much, if not more, than the distance. This is a lesson not just for runners but for everyone. We judge things by one factor or definition when things are not nearly as black and white as they seem.

5.       Confidence Built on Reality not Fantasy, is Powerful – A sincere belief in yourself is so powerful. I have found that I can do some things that I would have thought may be beyond my capacity because of my confidence. Yet that confidence is built on a strong sense of self awareness. You must be honest with yourself about your abilities and know what is possible and what is not. On this run there were times when my confidence was tested but I fell back on past successes to fuel me. I had been through hard times before and succeeded and would do it again.

 

People often say you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it. While I have accomplished many long distances in my running career, I did not just do it by will alone. I needed to prepare myself for these things. There are things that are possible and things that are impossible for all individuals. Yet there is a gap between the two where you are not sure if they are possible or not unless you try. That is the sweet spot where if you push yourself and prepare correctly you can accomplish more than you think. That preparation and past successes build confidence to expand your limits. I have watched many people who challenged themselves on runs but did not have confidence in their ability and failed. I have also had people who mistake bravado for real confidence and failed because that is all they thought they needed.

6.       Great Solo Achievements are a Team Effort – I am very proud of my rim2rim2rim accomplishment and know that many people cannot even think of attempting such a feat especially at the age of 65. Yet I know that while all the steps I took were under my own power, others helped me finish this successfully. Most notably my wife and our friends Ed and Sue. They got up at 3:30 a.m. and drove me to the trailhead which saved me a mile of running. It also made it easier to just focus on my run and not how to find the trail from the hotel. Most importantly, at the end of my run, they saved me even more. They met me after 9 p.m. and had refreshments for me and drove me to our hotel room, which really hastened my recovery. Yet there were others who also helped me. Just reading and watching videos of total strangers’ experiences helped me prepare for this journey. I know that the American ethos is that of rugged individualism, but we all need others whether we like to admit it or not. My journey was solo but on the second half of the journey when I interacted with other runners, it lifted my spirit. It was uplifting to talk to others and motivated me. I had spent almost eight hours in silence during the first leg of the run and was struggling, yet those interactions with other people helped me push myself.

7.       Be in the Moment – When my wife would ask about the rim2rim2rim she often referred to it as a race. I would admonish her and say it was a “run” not a “race”. A race is a competition; this was not a competition. This was not just about running, this was about taking in the Grand Canyon and experiencing all it had to offer. I would stop often to take in the views.  This was a magnificent run not because of the distance but because of the location and grandeur of the Grand Canyon. Yes, I wanted to get this done as quickly as I could, but this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, so it was important to notice the colors of the canyon walls changing. Despite this, when I was heading back my run felt more like a race because time was running out. I had to force myself to stop pushing and take in the views of the sunsetting over the canyon. Later when it was dark I turned off my headlamp and took in the stars of a dark sky. I was in complete darkness with the exception of the stars. I was not scared of the dark but enjoying being in the moment.

8.       There is More in the Tank When You Have No Other Option – After all my grueling races I know my body very well. So, as I sat at the bottom of the canyon by the banks of the Colorado River, I knew I had nothing left in the tank. I was not only done, but what lay before me was the toughest climb of the day. I wanted to stop and if this was a race I would have. This wasn’t a race, this was a journey. I was at my journey’s end. Except that it couldn’t end there. Not unless I wanted to curl up and sleep on the ground. My only option was to hike the six miles straight up and out. As I started up, I was a bit nervous because I felt I may not be capable of what lay before me. Yet even I was surprised by how the mind can take over and make you do more than you think. It wasn’t easy but I made it out. I even ran (albeit very slowly) the last half mile on the road. I had read and know it to be true they say the mind quits before the body.  My mind didn’t let my body quit.

This run was a journey that challenged and changed me. As those two runners noted there are lessons to learn on every trail run.

The Last Grueling Leg of my Grand Canyon Challenge

I was at the last water station, the Phantom Boat Beach, just a short walk from the Black Bridge which led to the South Kaibab Trail. The last but also hardest leg of my rim to rim to rim, Grand Canyon run. I had already run 37 miles. I was exhausted and if this was an ultra-marathon race like a 12-hour race I would have ended my run happy with my effort. Yet I had no choice but to hike out. Running this climb was impossible for me. I was out of options.

I needed to refill my water bladders. Then I was going to eat some snacks to get some calories before the six miles of steep climb some of which would be in the dark. After drinking some water, I took out some gels to get me some energy and electrolytes. I then planned to take out some energy bars. A great plan that my stomach was not in on. I barely got some of the gel in when I immediately threw up. I immediately knew I could not eat and would need to really push myself maybe harder than I ever had before to finish. I am sure that I looked as bad as I felt.

As I was putting on my running vest, I heard a man’s voice “Excuse me excuse” in a German accent. I looked over and saw a family of four. “Hi” I replied.  With a surprised tone in his voice, he asked “Are you just starting your hike to the rim?” I looked over at his family and could tell that I was an object of intrigue to them. Who would be starting a climb like that so late? (It was after 5 p.m.) “Yes” He responded “How long will it take you?” I then said “I am doing the Grand Canyon from the South Rim to the North and back up the south in one day. It will take me over 16 hours.” We then chatted a bit they were from Germany and were just as in awe of the canyon as was I. Not sure why but that friendly conversation motivated me, and I knew I had to go into “badass” mode.

I crossed the Black Bridge and took a long look at the Colorado River, knowing it may be the last time that I will be this close to it. The six mile hike out of the canyon is extremely steep. I just kept moving slowly but steadily. I did, however, have to stop and get my breath back. While I had plenty of water, I knew that I would be going through it fast on this climb.

At this point, I was not a joyous runner like before, snapping pictures and taking videos.  I was more in survival mode now. Despite that survival mode I did often stop and take in the views as it kept changing with the setting sun. The canyon has a way of making you stop and take in Mother Nature. I also messaged my wife through my Garmin InReach that it would take a while to get out.

A couple of miles into my climb I passed a young couple with heavy backpacks resting along the trail. I was surprised that I would see someone else. I thought I was the only one who would be on the trail this late. We exchanged greetings. I was hoping that they were on their way down because with those packs and the look of exhaustion on their faces it would be near impossible to get out. A little later I passed a father and a son hiking up the trail. The son seemed to be college age and was walking ahead of his father than waiting for him. We exchanged admiration of the views as the sun was setting. The father asked me “Are  you going to the rim?” which to me was a stupid question. There was no other option on this trail unless you were going to curl up and sleep on it. I almost gave a wiseass remark but reframed and said yes. I was worried about them because they were dressed for a short hike and seemed in over their head.

The wind began to really pick up for the last three miles which were in the dark. I had to take off my hat because it was about to blow off several times and I grabbed it just in time. I thought of putting on a long sleeve shirt or jacket, but I really was not cold because I was working so hard. With darkness and only guided by my headlamp it was a slog up the canyon. The wind was still howling, and it even blew the tips of my trekking poles. This sometimes meant that they did not land where I wanted them to.  I had never been in such strong winds on a run or hike before. I thought of that father and son and hoped that they had headlamps. I followed the trail up and up. Occasionally seeing a spider or other bug. I was startled when a rat scurried two feet in front of me.

I stopped often to rest and when I did, I would turn off my headlamp and look at the stars. I also glanced down the trail to see if I could see the lights of that father and son. Yet it was just total blackness.

I tried to message my wife that I was a short distance from the trailhead, but my phone had died. I would call her when I got to the trailhead. Less than a mile from the top I met two women who were just starting their rim2rim2rim. A strange time I thought since it was after 9PM. They would spend most of their time in the canyon in the dark. Then again maybe their return would be easier. Though you will miss a great amount of the grandeur of the canyon.

When I got to the South Kaibab Trailhead, I took a wrong turn and headed to where the mules are kept. I eventually found the parking lot and took out my phone to call my wife when the phone rang, and it was her. I told her I was at the top and would meet them where she and our friend Ed had dropped me off about a half mile from the trailhead. (Private cars could not drive to this trailhead.) I started walking the road but then broke into a jog.

I got to the end of the road before them and just waited. I was out of water and was craving a Gatorade. I messaged them that I wanted that. Luckily when they arrived they had a Gatorade for me. I looked like hell and felt even worse. I was tired. When we got back to our hotel room they tried to take care of me. I am sure that my friends Ed and Sue were stunned to see how awful I looked. My wife has seen me come home a mess many times after  grueling ultra-marathons but this was a new sight for them. My wife presented me with a finisher medal for the run. She knows how much I love my run bling.

Even though my stomach was empty, I could not eat. All I did was down liquids—Gatorade, lemonade, orange juice and a beer.  Then I took a shower and went to bed.

I have run 100 miles, 50 miles, ultras in snow, rain, and in the mud. Yet this run may have been the hardest run I ever did. That last climb tested me because I had nothing left in the tank but still went on. It is amazing how much you can accomplish when you have no other option.

Experiencing the Grand Canyon

When I took up running shortly after turning 50, one of my goals was to get in shape for when I was 75. I used to say that I did not want to drive to a scenic spot on the top of a mountain but hike to it. Take it from me, the view from the mountain top is better if you get there by using your own two feet rather than a car.

As I was walking around the south rim of the Grand Canyon there were throngs of people taking in the awesome views. It was spectacular. They were taking photos of each other using the Grand Canyon as a backdrop to make their photos even more impressive.

I, however, wanted more. I wanted to experience the canyon, not just look at it from the top. So, at the age of 65 I decided to run the Grand Canyon rim to rim to rim (Also referred to as rim2rim2rim) a distance of over 43 miles. I had trained for this run and felt confident but knew that it would not be easy at all. Yet the anticipation and anxiety that I described in a previous blog was gone when I got out of my friend Ed’s car at 3:55 a.m. and ran down the road about half a mile to the South Kaibab trailhead. It was a cold night, but I knew I could remove my jacket and go in a t-shirt once I reached the bottom. I have never been on this trail and had only read about it. Yet I was excited to head into the dark with only my headlamp showing me where to go. Even though I was going downhill my pace was slower than usual. It was dark and that made me slow down to make sure I did not fall. Plus, it was a difficult path to run. I found that the downhill steps on the trail were at unusual distances apart, so my gait was slower than normal. I usually am very good at the downhills but this time I found my pace slower.

Even when the sun began to rise, I did not quicken the pace. Part of that was because I was taking pictures and videos with my cell phone. For some reason the GoPro camera was not working. I was annoyed because I had counted on that for most of my videos. Even without taking pictures I would stop and take in the views. The coloring of the canyon walls kept changing as the sun rose.

After crossing the famed Black Bridge over the Colorado River, I headed towards Phantom Ranch. I had read so much about Phantom Ranch that somehow in my head I pictured it to be a rather modern facility. But I found they were comfortable cabins but rather rustic. It was not to be confused with the celebrated and elegant El Tovar hotel at the top of the south rim. I filled my one water flask that I had used on the way down, took off my jacket and ate a snack. I was disappointed in my time; I was running about 30 minutes behind what I anticipated.  I hoped I could pick up the pace on the rather flat stretch ahead of me along Bright Angel Creek.

I loved this section of the run. The roar of rushing water from the creek accompanied me for the next six miles or so. I also ran through what they call the “box” which is a section where the canyon narrows and it is basically the Bright Angel Creek, the North Kaibab Trail, and the canyon walls. While I was warned about the heat in the “box,” I found it shady, cool and very pleasant. Even though it was enjoyable my pace was still lagging behind my normal trail pace. I was not sure why. I had been very sick the week before so maybe I was not at 100%.  I also had lingering symptoms of the cold, including a stuffy head that required me to stop and blow my nose several times.

I really liked the North Kaibab Trail. The “box” was pleasant and hearing the creek flow was lovely. Then the trail opened up and the walls of the canyon were farther apart and it was a different run. But I still was running slower than usual. I arrived at Cottonwood campground before 9 a.m. and was hoping that I could refill my water flask, but the water was off. I had read that it was off but hoped that by some miracle they had turned it on and forgot to post it. It was a nice campground although the lack of water made it very rustic. The signs said “be quiet” which I obeyed. Then again there was no one to talk to. I headed to Manzanita where I knew that there would be water. While I had plenty of water at the moment, I was going through it fast.

It was a steady but not steep climb to Manzanita. Again after reading about it I expected something larger because of its importance to runners and hikers. It is a vital stop because it has water and port-a-potties. It also had a picnic table. I had passed a few hikers along the way but no runners. I was beginning to suspect I was the last rim2rim2rim runner that day.  This would be my last water stop until I returned on my way back so it was about six miles of a steep climb to the North Kaibab Trailhead at the north rim of the Grand Canyon. The north rim was closed for the season and the water was turned off at the top so I would have to make my water last. I had more than two liters of water, so I thought I would be okay.

The climb up to the top of the north rim was difficult. Not only was it steep but there were sections in which the trail was only about four or five feet wide and there was a cliff drop on one side that kept me from looking out across the canyon walls. The top of the North Rim is over 8,000 feet of elevation so my climb was about 6,000 feet. I was definitely struggling. I was also going through my water at an alarming rate. I was contemplating turning back about a mile from the rim to save time because I could see that it was going to take me 8 hours to get to the rim, which meant probably at least a nine-hour timeframe to return.

I, however, did make it to the north rim and rested a bit. There was some snow on the north rim which was why it is not open until May 15^th. As I was sitting two runners appeared also doing the rim2rim2rim. They were from Texas and Virginia. We talked a bit and I found that they had left at 5:30 a.m. so they were moving faster than I. I had limited water but enough to get back to Manzanita if I was smart. I did have the option of running a mile to a ranger station and then returning. But adding the mileage and time was not appealing to me. Plus going downhill, I probably would not be exerting as much energy as going uphill.

I said goodbye to my fellow rim2rim2rim runners and headed back down the North Kaibab trail. As I headed down the trail, I quickly came upon two runners a short distance from the rim and a little while later two more runners. So there were seven of us rim2rim2rim runners. I was the only solo. It was obvious to me that very few do this journey solo.

I enjoyed the run down to Manzanita. I felt fairly strong and took in the views and took some videos. I also encountered a man who I passed on the way up who was hiking the Arizona Trail from Mexico to Utah. We encouraged each other on our own separate journeys. I was also passed as I suspected by four of the rim2rim2rim runners. The other two runners never passed me.

When I came into Manzanita all four were there taking a break. I quickly used the bathroom facilities and filled my water bladders. I had another long leg without access to water and it would be sunnier and hotter on my way to Phantom Ranch. As we chatted, we all realized that this run was taking us longer than we anticipated. I had anticipated 14-15 hours but would end up over 17 hours.

I was the first to leave Manzanita because I knew that it would take me a lot longer than the four younger runners. As I left I said “I will see you later when you pass me.”  Both sets of runners did pass me a few miles down the trail. I also was hoping that I could get to Phantom Ranch before 4 p.m. so that I could grab their world-famous lemonade and a snack before my last big push up the South Kaibab Trail. It would be a long shot, but it gave me a goal to push myself harder. It ended up being a mistake. I was starving and should have eaten more at Manzanita instead of pushing myself.

I soon realized that Phantom Ranch before 4 p.m. was a dream. I was now both physically and emotionally spent. Despite my fatigue and being a bit despondent about my time I enjoyed the moments of shade in the “box.” As I entered Phantom Ranch, I was very tired. That big push to get there had drained me. I tried to see if I could find a snack but to no avail.

I was contemplating my options. I had my credit card with me. Maybe I could see if there was a cabin available and get a good meal and sleep and head out early in the morning. No, I thought I needed to finish this. So, what if it takes me until the wee hours of the night. I headed to the water station for the last but most difficult leg of the journey.

I was fully experiencing the Grand Canyon –not only its beauty and awe but its difficulties and harshness. Sometimes those qualities of beauty, awe, harshness and difficulty all coexist in one place.

Next Blog The Last Grueling Leg Out of the Canyon

A Runner’s Grand Canyon Resfeber

Resfeber Definition: The restless race of the traveler’s heart before the journey begins, when anxiety and anticipation are tangled together. (Swedish term)

I came across the word resfeber at a 24 hour race I was entered in. It was on the back of the race shirt we got at the race. I loved the term. There is no word in the English language that quite captures one’s mood just before a journey as this one does. While the word is focused on traveling and literally translates to “travel fever” I think it also applies to difficult ultra marathons. They may not involve traveling like when one is on a vacation, but they definitely constitute a journey.

I had set my sights on running the Grand Canyon from the south rim to the north rim and back to the south rim. It would not be the longest run I had ever attempted but it would be a very difficult challenge because of the steepness of the climbs and descents. In addition, the weather could change dramatically from the top of the canyon to the bottom. There would be swings of temperature of more than thirty degrees. In addition, I would need to be self-sufficient, carrying my own food and gear. It would also be a solo journey.

I was at a family Easter party and every so often someone would ask me about the run. People are naturally intrigued by the distance, terrain and the location. While I usually like to regale others with running stories, I was done discussing this story. I had done my research and training and just wanted to do it. I was also a bit nervous as I usually am in anticipation of any difficult run.  I feel very ready but still have to wait.

As I write this paragraph, I am on a jet heading to Phoenix. I will land and spend a night with friends in Scottsdale, then a day later head to the Grand Canyon. The resfeber is building. I feel that mix of anticipation and excitement, but it is mixed with anxiety because I know of the difficulties that lie ahead.

I am wondering what it will feel like to peer out over the Grand Canyon the day before my run knowing that I will be heading down in the dark the next morning. I will have a mini entourage to the Grand Canyon. My wife and our friends Ed and Sue will also go. It will be a long drive to the Grand Canyon. I feel a bit guilty because they are all traveling to the canyon to help me fulfill my adventurous journey.  I know that what I am doing is a bit unique and sometimes it is hard to explain to others, especially people in my age group. Most are thinking of slowing down and I am feeling like speeding up.

I did a short six mile run in the desert setting outside of Sue and Ed’s home in Scottsdale. It felt good after spending all day on a plane and sitting around. It was cool, probably the low fifties or high forties. My running felt a little off. I was not running smoothly. I had been sick the week before but felt I had recovered. However, my routine had been affected. I was not in the moment. My anxiety and anticipation was distracting me.

As we got off the shuttle bus and headed to the ranger station at the top of the south rim, we realized that they were closing. My friends thought it was important to get as much information as I could about the weather. I knew that park rangers were not very enamored with rim2rim2rim runners so I was hesitant to really discuss anything with them that might give me away. So, I saw a friendly ranger and asked her where was the best place to park for the South Kaibab trailhead? I don’t remember who asked but they asked about the weather at the bottom because I was running the rim to rim to rim. Her demeanor immediately changed. “We don’t recommend that anyone do that. It is extremely hot at the bottom. We expect it to be 95 degrees tomorrow.” Now that did not jive with all the reports, I had read but we just walked away.

If her idea was to plant a seed of doubt and maybe change my mind she failed. Though my wife was now hesitant. She said to me “Now Ray don’t do overdo it. Please if it gets to be beyond your ability, it is okay to cut it short.” She knew better than I, that I would push myself as hard as I could. Though as she said loud enough for Ed and Sue to hear “I just wanted to have witnesses that if you don’t make it, I had warned you!” Ed and Sue astutely mentioned that they thought the ranger was trying to scare me by exaggerating the temperature.

As I peered out over the canyon at Mather Point. I have to admit I was in awe because from that vantage point it looked impossible to get down the canyon let alone traverse it. Yet there was only one way that I could eliminate the resfeber. That was to start down the trail. After that it would be like many other difficult runs managing the issues that arise and pushing and motivating myself to keep going.

Yet I hadn’t started the run, and my heart was racing with nervousness. The side effect of this is that sleeping the night before a major run is always difficult. I closed my eyes and dreamt about my upcoming journey.

The next morning, I had no resfeber. It was go time.

Being Miserable Makes for a Perfect Training Race

I had already run over 21 miles and my stomach had almost revolted when I tried eating a short while ago. Yet I continued on. I did not have time to sit and rest until I felt better.

I had to figure out a way to keep moving despite it being difficult keeping the food down. I also had a major climb ahead of me that would sap some of my energy. I was feeling like crap. However, I was thinking that this was a perfect run for me precisely because I was miserable. That is because I needed to be challenged and pushed if I wanted to complete my upcoming challenge in a few weeks.

When I run a trail race the one thing I always try and focus on is being present in the moment. Enjoying the trail, maybe snapping a few photos to document the beauty of the course. Trail running has taken me to parks that I would never have visited without entering a race. It is a belief I have in life as well: Be present in the moment. Sometimes we dwell on the past and fret about the future, and do not enjoy the present.

Try as I might, I couldn’t quite keep that “present” feel on a recent trail ultra marathon. It was the Spring on the Trail 12 Hour Race. The race is located in the Hudson Valley region New York State. It is a beautiful course and I did snap a few pictures, but at times my mind was more than 2,300 miles away on the South or North Kaibab Trails of the Grand Canyon. These are trails my feet have never transversed—yet.  In a few weeks I will be doing the Grand Canyon Rim-to-Rim-to-Rim, a distance of between 43-47 miles depending on your route.

I signed up for the race in the Hudson Valley to get in almost the same amount of miles as the Grand Canyon, but I got more than I bargained for. It was more difficult than I anticipated partly because I didn’t study the course enough and partly because things just go wrong in ultra races.

What surprised me about the course was how much elevation it had. (Of course, had I studied it, it would have been apparent.)

There was an elevation rise of almost 600 feet per loop and I would end up doing fourteen loops. That’s more than 8,000 feet of climbing. Those 600 feet of elevation were packed into about a mile and a half climb. This long climb, while much shorter than the two long climbs I would do at the Grand Canyon, was about as good as it gets in my area to train for long vertical climbs. Since this was a loop run I did not really need to take in the views every time. I could pretty much put my head down and pretend I was at the Grand Canyon doing those two long steep ascents. I was pretty good on these climbs, moving rather steadily even after forty miles.

Yet that mistake on my part was a blessing because it was great training for the Grand Canyon run. Even my digestive issues around halfway through were a blessing. I had to figure out how to keep moving when eating was nearly impossible. While on this race I had an aid station plus my own food at my car, at the Grand Canyon the only fuel I will have is what I can carry with me on the run. I had been eating something small every six miles or so but then made a mistake by skipping a meal and trying to eat more to make up for it.

It was also warm day, and then I ate a warm, almost hot pickle at the aid station. Normally pickles can provide a runner with much-needed sodium but this one made me feel queasy. I just walked a bit and ran slowly till my stomach settled down. Lesson learned: Don’t eat a pickle that that has been sitting in the sun after running over 20 miles.

I finished my thirteenth lap and had time for the fourteenth. While I was running this lap, I met a woman who was on the same lap as me. She decided not to do another lap because she had a long ride home. I thought about my Grand Canyon run and realized that there was no option to cut a run short. As I came to this last lap the weather had changed dramatically. It was much colder and began to rain, plus it was getting dark. I was almost gleeful that I had to put on my rain gear and a head lamp. I knew on my Grand Canyon Run I would need to run with my headlamp, so I was happy to take it out. While I don’t anticipate a cold rain at the canyon, it is possible, plus running in miserable weather is always a good training practice.

My legs were tired. My body was wet from the rain and sweat. My stomach was still a little off. It was dark and I needed my headlamp to pack up. I had a long ride home—almost two hours in heavy rain. However, I was very happy with my performance and felt ready for the Grand Canyon. I covered about the same amount of ground as that run in eleven and a half hours.

My putting my head down and plowing ahead made me faster. There was one other lesson on this run. At one point at a beautiful overlook after about ten loops I decided to walk out away from the trail to take a picture. Previously it had been crowded with day hikers. After I took a couple of photos and as I headed back I saw this man-made mini altar. It had a Buddha in the middle, a golf ball, painted rocks, a rainbow heart, and other interesting trinkets.  I laughed and took a picture. Lesson learned. Yes, it is important to plow ahead on a physical quest, but one should take the time and be present in the moment or you might miss something.  I vowed that when I am in the Grand Canyon, I will not blindly push on but take moments to stop and take it all in.

My Cat Angel -Four Pounds of Fur but a Ton of Love, Laughter, and Life

 Part Three – Saying Goodbye to Angel

 

If you haven’t figured it out by reading my previous two blogs about my cat. I am a softy and a bit of a sap when it comes to my cats. What might surprise you is that originally I did not want cats. I told my wife that I was a dog person. These three cats I rave about were the only cats I ever had.  Though I know I will have others because of them.

Having cats is different than having dogs. In the relationship between human and feline it is the cat the determines the rules for affection and love. Some cats refuse to lay on your lap while others get angry when you get up. Some cats you can pick up and cuddle others squirm the minute you begin lifting them up. I abided by the rules for all three cats though Angel was a little different. She demanded that you pay attention to her and did not take no for an answer no matter how busy you were. So, I naturally relented to her wishes. Which led to me becoming a cat caregiver.

It was not very long after Midnight’s death that Angel began to age quickly. She seemed to go from a frisky playful cat to an old and slow cat in months. She would walk very slowly and was not nimble at all, especially for a cat. She also would follow us closely in the kitchen. We ran into her often and just brushing her with our legs would knock her over.

We took her to the vet, and she had a growth in her body but at her age there really was little that could be done. What we did do however was get some high protein food and supplements to give her strength. She was also much smaller now. She was only four pounds, she used to be six pounds. She needed calories. We also had thyroid medicine to give her. The main thing was she was not in any pain just weak.

My morning routine was now set. First, I would cuddle with her for a while. Then I would feed her regular food sprinkled with a protein supplement. A short time later give her thyroid medicine and some treats. Then give her what I called her cat Ensure. A high protein drink. If she was still hungry then feed her some more. Then go for my run.

That was just the morning routine, the same held true for the evening. In the overnight I would check on her and she would sometimes want to cuddle with me and other times she wanted to eat. While her appetite was great, and she was drinking water and having good poops there was a major issue. She would rarely pee in the litter box and the other duty we all hated was cleaning up after her. We had closed off most of the house to her. First, we didn’t want her peeing on the carpet and also she was often getting her claws caught on the carpet stairs.

I was preparing for her passing but doing all I could to keep her alive. I called our house, a feline hospice unit. When I purchased her various foods and supplements, I only purchased a couple of weeks’ worth because I knew she was getting close to the end. This started around the Christmas of 2023. Yet when Christmas of 2024 came and passed my temporary efforts to make her comfortable were working extremely well. I said she was like former President Jimmy Carter who was in hospice for years. Even our vet was amazed that she was still alive.

This constant care for her for over a year predictably drew us even closer. It also made it harder for me to accept the inevitable. This spunky little cat might live forever.

Yet forever came. As we were sitting in our living room with me in my recliner, I had noticed the last two days that Angel was much weaker than normal. The food perked her up but not for very long. I joked with my wife that when she fell asleep on me that she may pee on me because she had little strength. That night I was unfortunately proven right. First, we fell asleep together watching television. When I woke, I noticed I was a little wet. She had peed on me! She was very weak. I carried her with me to the recliner and she and I fell asleep again. I figured I was safe because she had already peed. I noticed that she felt differently on my body. Her body was completely limp. It was if all the muscles in her body were gone. At about 5am I put my hand down on the side of the chair and on the chair covering and it was wet. She had peed again! Luckily missing me but getting the side of the chair covers and the floor. I quickly got up and took the cover off. Noticing that it was mostly on the floor. Cleaned it up and put the chair cover in the wash.

Angel slowly walked around getting a drink of water but then started to just stand and stare. Eventually she stumbled into the litter box to do her duty. I knew the end was near and decided that I would call the vet that day. I was in the recliner hoping she would come to me for some cuddles even though she had slept with me the whole night. Then she fell down and let out a loud meow and was dead. I had never watched a natural death before but knew what it was immediately. It was 6AM and everyone else was asleep. I kissed her and thanked her for being our cat. I found a shoebox and placed her inside it.

I had time to reflect on my Angel because no one else was around. She was the last reminder of my kid’s childhood. We may have all changed but with Angel we had remained the same and treated her the same as when we were younger.

I texted my daughter about Angel and when Patty and Evan came down, we had a good cry. When my cell phone rang and I saw it was my daughter, Lisa, the tears swelled up in my eyes and I could barely get out the words “hello”. We all cried again. Being expected doesn’t make it easier.

When I came down the stairs the next morning, the house felt empty. There was no little white head popping up to greet me. I had plenty of time because there was no cat to take care of. I was lost without my cat duties going through the morning without joy.

That night we started a fire in our fireplace. Which the cats always enjoyed. We were now catless. We were still in shock. My wife said “Angel won the cat lottery when she met you.” Insinuating that her life was much better because of that.

I thought of that fateful day when I switched my lunch plans and Angel ended up in my arms. Of how much we all enjoyed her. I couldn’t imagine the last eighteen years without her. “No” I said, “We won the cat lottery not her.”

My Cat Angel -Four Pounds of Fur but a Ton of Love, Laughter, and Life

Part Two – Living with Angel

 

While Angel was the smallest of our cats, she was the one that was impossible to ignore. That was because she refused to have the humans ignore her.

Our other two cats Midnight and Sterling tolerated Angel but were not enamored with her, especially Midnight who was the “Queen” as we called her and liked to have a quiet life. Angel, was everywhere, always causing mischief. Sterling stood his ground with her, so it was a standoff.

Angel’s forte was not in cultivating feline relationships but in cultivating human relationships. All our family and friends knew Angel because she was part of every family party or a friend’s visit. She would walk around and jump on laps or curl up to our friends and cuddle whether they were cat people or not. Some guests felt so honored that a strange cat would find them so special and give them attention. They thought that Angel thought that they were special. We did not have the heart to tell them that she did that with all our guests and that you were no more special than anyone else in her eyes. Yet I can’t argue that by her doing that she made our guests feel special.

Even though I saw her make everyone believe that they were special because she chose to snuggle with them, even if it was not so and she was just using them. While I was onto her game it does not mean that I was not immune to her charm.  One of our evening routines was that she would snuggle in cozy with my wife on the couch, while my wife read her book or Kindle. When I entered the room and sat in the recliner across the room Angel would pop up her sleepy head and look longingly at me. My wife would say sarcastically “Oh your boyfriend is here. Now you are going to leave me!” Which Angel would promptly do, sometimes in a sleepy stupor, and she looked drunk walking over and jumping on my lap. I think she knew I was one who was easily taken in and would do anything if she showed me affection.  Which admittedly is completely true. She was training me to be her servant and succeeding. Proof of that will come in the following blog.

She was so present with company that sometimes people thought she was our only cat. They would ask “You have other cats too?” They couldn’t remember their names, however. Angel, though, was easy to remember.

Angel had a way of making us all laugh even when what she was doing was wrong. I would find her sleeping in weird positions and places. Once with her head between both legs in her butt.  Other times with her head plopped straight down in front of her. Often in the laundry basket. We had more pictures of her in strange positions than I can count. At the end of the day, we would exchange photos of what Angel was doing.

It should be mentioned that one of her weird sleeping spots caused me my first broken bone in my life. In the early morning hours, one day I was carrying my suit with me down the stairs from the bedroom in the dark. I did not want to wake others by turning on the light. In any case as I walked down the stairs I stepped on Angel and then tumbled down the stairs, breaking a bone in my hand. I almost got mad at her.

Yet when you were down Angel also had the instinct to know when to cuddle with you. This is one reason pet owners love their cats or dogs. When other people are causing you pain, you know your pet is dependable and will love you. While Midnight and Sterling did this too Angel was content to spend hours with you. A truer friend could not be found.

Yet she was mischievous. If there was going to be a cat that jumped on the dining room table for a bite of roasted chicken, it was Angel. If there was a cat that would jump into the Christmas Tree, it was Angel. If there was a cat that would annoy the other cats it was Angel. We found ourselves yelling Angel’s name more than all the other cats and human names combined. She was the annoying little brother who created chaos. Yet we all secretly loved her even more for that crazy personality.

Angel had a bad habit of never retracting her claws. So, when she jumped on your lap in the summer it could be painful. During COVID I was doing a remote interview with the governor of New Jersey. While I had a shirt and tie on for the camera, I was wearing shorts since it was the summer. Angel jumped on me during that interview and it took all the composure I could muster not to wince. Later in her life we would find her claws stuck on the carpeting going to the second floor or hanging off the couch with her claws stuck on the couch covering.

We all depended more on Angel after Sterling passed. We now had two opposite cats, Midnight who was a cat happy to be left alone with her human family and very solitary and Angel who to be frank was a diva.

Yet that diva showed us all that she was not all about herself. When Midnight started to deteriorate, Angel surprised us. You see they had always just tolerated each other. Yet Angel seemed to sense that Midnight was nearing the end. All of a sudden, we saw her sleeping next to Midnight. We were shocked but it did our hearts good. Midnight was our first pet and very special to us. I have written about my love for Midnight as well. (Sorry Sterling but I was not writing my thoughts when you were with us.)

Angel’s small change of affection towards Midnight made her death easier for us. She was instinctively helping us deal with her death.

Yet after Midnight passed, I saw a change in Angel. She was no longer a frisky cat with a pep in her step. She was an older cat who was slowing down. I realized that she was no longer young and was seventeen years old.  Having a young cat or dog is different than having a geriatric pet. More would be demanded of us to repay her for all the love she had shown us.

Part 3 – Saying Goodbye to Angel

My Cat Angel -Four Pounds of Fur but a Ton of Love, Laughter and Life

 Part One – Finding Angel

Sometimes in life a small, seemingly insignificant decision can change your life’s trajectory.

That happened to me and my family. It was lunch time, and I left our office building in Trenton and headed to my car. I was going to go to a restaurant across the river in Pennsylvania for lunch. The minute I got outside the warm spring-like weather hit me. You know how the first really warm day of March feels after months of winter weather. Just as I was about to open my car door I stopped and turned away from my car. I decided to enjoy the weather by walking a few blocks to get a sandwich at a local deli called Lucy’s. A fateful decision.

As I was walking down the sidewalk,  I could see in the distance, a woman and a boy with a large white dog standing in front of some run-down townhouses. I thought the woman had a white puppy in her arms, but when I got closer, I saw that the white puppy was actually a white kitten. They seemed to be a bit upset. I greeted them pleasantly when the woman said “This cat just fell out of this window. I need to check to see if anyone is there. Could you hold her while I check?”  I replied “Sure.”

She quickly put the kitten in my arms and went inside. The second I held this gentle kitten in my arms, my heart melted. Our fates together were sealed when the woman said the apartment was vacant. She couldn’t keep the cat. Just as we were discussing what to do a man walks by and says to the white kitten “Hi little guy. I hope you are okay.” He then told us he was going to give the cat to the pound but they wanted $5 and he didn’t have it. As I looked at this cat I thought of my daughter Lisa. If I told her the story of this kitten and mentioned that I had just left her in the streets Lisa would have been furious at me. Quickly I told the woman I would take her. I asked her if she could hold her for one day so I could get my pet carrier.

When I got home that evening I told my wife the story. She was okay with me bringing her home but in no uncertain terms we were not keeping her. We already had two cats and that was more than enough. It so happened that a woman at work said if we didn’t keep her than she would take her. Great, I had saved her and found her a great home.

The next day I picked up the kitten. I was not really sure whether she was a kitten or cat as she was  so small. As it so happens, I did not need the pet carrier.  As I carried her to my car she snuggled with me. She laid curled up on my lap for the entire hour and a half drive except for one time when she got up and walked to the back seat and then came back to my lap. Her willingness to snuggle was winning me over. While we had two cats that we loved neither one was a lap cat. Her ability to frustrate me also came because when I looked in the back of my car I could see three little poop turds on the floor. I was not mad but just laughed. That was also the beginning of her getting away with almost anything with me.

My kids who were in elementary school at the time, embraced her quickly, even though they knew she was only staying with us temporarily. The new kitten would stay in their rooms because we did not want to introduce her to the other cats.

We needed to take her to our vet for a check up. You name it, she had it, including mites and fleas. The vet was examining her and mentioned that the cat might be pregnant. My wife looked at me and said with disdain “Pregnant!”  I said “Don’t look at me. It’s not like I’m the father.” The vet laughed. It turns out she wasn’t. The vet estimated that she was around ten months old.

We also had to name her. A big decision. I wanted to call her Lucy since that was name of the deli I was going to when I found her. While I thought it was a great idea, my kids shot it down. They settled on Angel. Because of her white fur and gentle affection, it seemed appropriate. Later when she was healthy and settled in, we saw her more mischievous side and it seemed like a less suitable name.

Yet the day was coming that we would have to give her away. I wanted to keep her but my wife was adamant, so I remained silent. I am a softy, and I found her, so my connection was strong. My son Evan, however, had fallen in love with her. He broke down in tears when my wife said that we would have to give her up and that she would have a good home. My wife liked the bond that they had formed and came to me. “Is having three cats too many?” I had my opening. “No” I said. “It will be okay and she is good for Evan.” That sealed the deal.

There was an adjustment period for Angel. Mostly around food. She had been on her own and food was scarce so when we put the food out, she attacked it and ate so fast that sometimes she got sick. We had to find ways to slow her down. Which we eventually did.

One of our other cats, Midnight, was not entirely thrilled with our decision to keep this energetic cat, she was more solitary anyway and adjusted by keeping her distance.  While we had three cats if someone visited they thought we only had one – Angel. The other two, Midnight and Sterling scrambled for cover when someone rang the doorbell or entered the house. Angel would get excited and greet the guests as if it was obvious to all that they had come to see her.

Our family life would never be the same. We had a new member of the family, and that new member would often take center stage at our house.

See Part two – Living with Angel