Battling my Inner Voice

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.

Sir Edmund Hillary

I have run many ultra-marathons and have even run the entire length of my home state of New Jersey from top to bottom, about 196 miles. I am planning on doing this run again. Though this time from the southernmost point to the northern. I have even addressed audiences about my ultra experiences particularly the New Jersey run. In doing so I regale them with the ups and downs of such feats but there is definitely an air of inevitability to the tales. I explain my “why” in these presentations. Which is of believing in challenging oneself. That our greatest personal achievements are accomplished because they were difficult. That I think aging is not slowing down. That we are capable of more than we think.

I do it with an air of confidence. That it is easy. Frankly after several years of this I am not really challenged about my why and my ability to do these running feats at my age by anyone. Except one person. This person will challenge me and say “Bull sh$#@! You are not as tough as you appear. You are getting old and slowing down. You are just in denial.” The confidence that I thought I was oozing evaporates when they confront me. Is it just my male ego (My motto is never underestimate the stupidity of the male ego.) that drives me?  Is it wrong to push myself this way? I also know this person who challenges me knows whether I am being honest or not.

The person who challenges me most about my decisions is – myself. My inner voice that says very often “Don’t do it!” My inner voice has impeccable timing. It waits until I am most vulnerable and weak, then it makes its argument. It waits until the weather turns while I am on an ultra-marathon and going uphill and say “You are getting too old for this.” After I suffered a stress fracture of my right knee it again whispered so that only I could hear. “See it is time to stop this nonsense. You are getting old.” I really hate that he always brings up my age.

This inner voice has good intentions. It wants to protect me from harm. It wants to keep me safe and warm. As I am running in the rain or snow it will whisper in my ear “I hear golf is a great game. Most men your age take it up.” It will point out all the possible dangers.

I will admit that sometimes I will give in to this voice or at least compromise. For example, on one tough trail race I walked the last six miles or so because of a bad pain in my ankle and rather than risk further injury I walked. On another tough race I told my inner voice don’t worry this is my last time doing this. Which I truly meant at the time. Yet when I finished and received the finishers medal my mood changed instantly and soon, I was scouring the web for another race.

That feeling of accomplishment at the end of grueling run is what keeps me going and is also my “why”. You see I have another voice in my head. (Yes, I know you are wondering how many voices do I have? No time to explain that, but for this blog it is just two.) The other voice is a dreamer. It wonders what I can do if I just try. It says you are capable of more than you think but first you have to get your butt off the couch and move. It says don’t wait for the perfect time to do something. The time to do the things you want is now. If you wait for the perfect time, you probably will really be too old.

This inner voice gets louder with every success. Even small successes. When I finished my first ultra-marathon, a 50-mile run. It was not a pretty sight. I was walking slowly at the end. Yet that finisher medal lifted my spirits. That inner voice started to shout over the careful voice. “You see you did it! You know what? I think if you did it again you would do it better.” That voice was right. I took the lessons I learned from the previous run and improved dramatically the next year. You see success breeds more success and confidence.

That inner voice also shouts when things are tough and my other protective voice is saying “You are getting old.” The daring voice is saying “You have faced these obstacles before and persevered. Just keep moving.”

We all have these two voices in our head. One that dreams and one that is protective. Now I am not saying just to listen to that daring voice that dreams. I like to think that I listen to both voices. I am daring but I am not reckless. That protective voice forces me to plan out the big challenges. I am saying listen to BOTH voices. Many of us play life safe and only listen to the protective voice. Our biggest regrets in life are not the things we did but the things we did not do. We wonder what if?

It is not easy following that daring voice because the partner on your journey as you move forward is “failure”. It is always lurking in the vicinity. You are not only facing the challenges of your decision but the possibility that you might fail. Your protective voice always says if you don’t attempt it you can’t fail. Yet you likely can’t have a great accomplishment without facing the possibility of failure.

It is funny when I began this blog I thought I knew what I wanted to say about my “why” but I found that I may have been wrong.  The biggest challenge and obstacle I face is myself. Getting over my fear of failure.  My “why” is pushing myself not to be complacent and settle for the easy path. This is a never-ending battle that happens every day. Just going out for a training run there is a battle among the two voices in my head. It is also not just about running. It occurs in many of my life’s decisions.

Do you listen to both voices?