Crewing for a Fragile Yet Tough 97-Year-Old Mother

As my sister and I toured the assisted living facility, we realized it had almost everything that my mother could need. Even so, I was not happy about it.

My mind flashed back to when I worked in a nursing home one summer. Although I worked on outdoor maintenance and cleanup, I was often inside and could observe the residents. It was a job my mother had helped me get, since she worked there as a nurse. It was a traumatic experience for an 18-year-old that is still with me. I remember telling my mother that when I get old, I never want to go to a facility like that! Why I expected my mother to have a say in that decision I have no idea. Although I sensed she understood. Yet here I was facing a decision along with my siblings on what was best for my 97-year-old mom.

My mother had taken a bad fall and broken her elbow, but the hospital and rehab stay had dimmed her memory and mental agility. Before the fall she lived by herself and while we had someone stop by every day, she was very independent. She was not a normal 97-year-old. She was feisty and up on what was going on. Now however she was weaker, meek, and was showing signs of confusion at times. It’s as if the fall and subsequent stay in medical facilities had not only injured her physically but had affected her mental facilities. The question was what was temporary and what was permanent.

My two brothers, my sister, and I immediately organized and made sure she had one of us visit her every day. We became her crew team. In ultra marathons like 100-mile runs, even elite athletes have crews. They are friends and family who wait for the runner at various points along the course providing physical and nutritional care, but their most important role is the emotional support keeping them going and sometimes even pushing them a little. I know on my 100-mile run I needed them. I was running in bad condition longing for my crew. On one race it is the only thing that got me through to the end.

In my mother’s case the crew is running to her. She is locked in one place. She was in a rehab facility with the same view. All the days are the same. There is no Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, just days. They are all the same. As she said to me “If it wasn’t for the news channel on the TV I wouldn’t have any clue what day it was.” It is a mind-numbing existence but a necessary one for her to heal her body. The staff was very attentive to her physical and medical needs but only the crew could give her an anchor to her memory.

I know sitting with my mother I could see her struggle to remember her fall. She was frustrated that she couldn’t remember. She was also fighting the tedium. I could see my feisty mom battling everything. We would take her outside on a patio if the weather was nice but that was just a short reprieve. It was not just my mother feeling the tedium. Even for me it was becoming monotonous and mind-numbing. She would ask me how long she had been here, and a few weeks in, I couldn’t remember.

The decision before us did not have many options that were appealing.  Yet we needed to make a decision. We ended up not going to the assisted living facility but instead had a recommended aide come live with her in her condo. Our belief was that while we could be her anchor in a strange facility, she needed a familiar setting that felt like home to help her. This would help her emotionally and mentally. We wanted our feisty mom back.

When we told my mother she would be leaving the rehab facility she was relieved and seemed to perk up.  She seemed to be coming out of her fog. Once I said to her that she seemed better. She then said to me something that illuminated up all those internal battles I could see her fighting. She said “I was afraid that this was the way it was going to end.” Meaning in that rehab facility. This was the first time I had ever heard my mother worry about dying and how it might happen.

We were all nervous when we brought her back home. She seemed okay with her aide, and we could tell she was happy to be home with her crew. Her crew can’t, however, be a 24/7 crew because we all have work and family obligations of our own. Hence the aide. Through those first two weeks we will still be checking in with her almost daily.

As I checked in with her on the first few days, I could see that she was sleeping and eating better. She also was more relaxed and happier. Yet it is still early. Unlike an ultra-marathon with a set time and distance that the crew must work, my mother’s fall now means the crew has a lifetime duty.

My mother is very lucky to have this crew. The crew is also very lucky to have each other. It is hard to be a caregiver. Often the bulk of the duties fall on one person, and it can be very taxing on a person’s own mental health.

My mother is tough and feisty and was a very independent woman. She was a bread winner when women in her generation were not. I do not think that it is a mere coincidence that all her sons married strong independent women and her daughter is strong and independent. Yet no matter how strong and independent you are we all need others. Her memory has been affected enough so that she cannot take care of herself. Being surrounded by caring people is so important. Having a good crew can make all the difference in the world.

 

 

Eight Life Lessons Learned Running the Grand Canyon Rim to Rim to Rim

Ten days after I completed running the Grand Canyon rim2rim2rim I was back home in New Jersey and at the starting line for a 50k trail run. It was probably not the smartest decision I ever made but it was good to be back on forest trails. I overheard two runners talking about previous trail races and one said “I learned a lesson on that race.” The other one responded, “there are lessons on every race.” I wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

My rim2rim2rim run in the Grand Canyon was not a race but a run. The lessons, however, are ingrained more deeply in my soul than the Colorado River is in the canyon. Some of these lessons are ones I have learned before but this run reinforced them. Others are completely new. Here they are in no particular order.

1.       Do Hard Things – We live in a society that spends its time trying to find the easiest way to do something. Drive-up windows for a cup of coffee. Remote controls for our TVs. I mean now we don’t even have to get up to turn on the lights or put on music. “Siri or Alexa” will do it for us. Yet I never felt more alive than when I was dead tired after finishing the rim2rim2rim. The next day I relived some of the difficult and beautiful parts of the run in my mind. This experience was what they call Type 2 Fun. Something that seems almost miserable at the time but when you look back on it, the memory is a positive and happy one. Hard things are Type 2 fun. The accomplishment was not a virtual one but a personal one. When you accomplish something that pushed you to your limits it makes other difficult challenges seem possible. It will also change your mindset and make you believe in yourself more.

2.       It’s Okay to Feel Insignificant – As I was running down, across, and up the canyon, there were throngs of tourists at the top of the south rim taking selfies and photos with the Grand Canyon as a spectacular backdrop. It isn’t one of the Seven Wonders of the World for nothing. While they were up there frolicking, they were completely unaware that there were people like me who were struggling on the canyon trails. They couldn’t even see us or even most of the bottom. As for me, those people were not of my concern. I could not even see them.  Whether we were at the top or the bottom of the canyon we seemed insignificant. However, I would stop often in take in the spectacle of the sun rising and setting on the canyon walls. It is hard not to be in awe of Mother Nature wherever you are in the canyon. If you ever wanted proof of a higher being, I cannot think of a more convincing piece of evidence than the Grand Canyon.

3.       Do Your Homework – Yes, I said do hard things, but it is best to be prepared to do them. That means not only training but knowing what you are asking yourself to do. For this run, I read numerous articles and watched more YouTube videos than I can count to see what the experience would entail. I even watched or read accounts of people who failed because they made a mistake. That way I could learn from their mistake. There was a Facebook group just for this challenge which I found very useful.  However, I was shocked at some of the questions that were posted. If the poster had done even a modicum of research, they would have known the answer. You need to be prepared for when things go wrong and not just depend on your guts to get you through. I may be daring but I am not reckless. It’s a good life lesson.

4.      All Miles are not Created Equal – No matter how you measure it, a mile is 5,280 feet. It is the same all over the world. Yet they are not all the same, not even close. Just about a month before undertaking the Grand Canyon run, I ran the same distance with a good amount of elevation over 8,200 feet (compared to the 11,600 of the canyon) in about 11 ½ hours.  So, I estimated that with the extra elevation and stops for picture-taking it should be 14 maybe 15 hours. But it was almost 17 ½ hours—a six-hour time difference from my earlier run.  I still really don’t know how to completely account for the difference, but my past experience was not a good indicator of future performance. While I was running slower than usual, in my head I kept thinking I would get back to my normal pace, which was a fallacy. I should have known better. A mile is not a mile. The terrain, climate, and environment determine the difficulty just as much, if not more, than the distance. This is a lesson not just for runners but for everyone. We judge things by one factor or definition when things are not nearly as black and white as they seem.

5.       Confidence Built on Reality not Fantasy, is Powerful – A sincere belief in yourself is so powerful. I have found that I can do some things that I would have thought may be beyond my capacity because of my confidence. Yet that confidence is built on a strong sense of self awareness. You must be honest with yourself about your abilities and know what is possible and what is not. On this run there were times when my confidence was tested but I fell back on past successes to fuel me. I had been through hard times before and succeeded and would do it again.

 

People often say you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it. While I have accomplished many long distances in my running career, I did not just do it by will alone. I needed to prepare myself for these things. There are things that are possible and things that are impossible for all individuals. Yet there is a gap between the two where you are not sure if they are possible or not unless you try. That is the sweet spot where if you push yourself and prepare correctly you can accomplish more than you think. That preparation and past successes build confidence to expand your limits. I have watched many people who challenged themselves on runs but did not have confidence in their ability and failed. I have also had people who mistake bravado for real confidence and failed because that is all they thought they needed.

6.       Great Solo Achievements are a Team Effort – I am very proud of my rim2rim2rim accomplishment and know that many people cannot even think of attempting such a feat especially at the age of 65. Yet I know that while all the steps I took were under my own power, others helped me finish this successfully. Most notably my wife and our friends Ed and Sue. They got up at 3:30 a.m. and drove me to the trailhead which saved me a mile of running. It also made it easier to just focus on my run and not how to find the trail from the hotel. Most importantly, at the end of my run, they saved me even more. They met me after 9 p.m. and had refreshments for me and drove me to our hotel room, which really hastened my recovery. Yet there were others who also helped me. Just reading and watching videos of total strangers’ experiences helped me prepare for this journey. I know that the American ethos is that of rugged individualism, but we all need others whether we like to admit it or not. My journey was solo but on the second half of the journey when I interacted with other runners, it lifted my spirit. It was uplifting to talk to others and motivated me. I had spent almost eight hours in silence during the first leg of the run and was struggling, yet those interactions with other people helped me push myself.

7.       Be in the Moment – When my wife would ask about the rim2rim2rim she often referred to it as a race. I would admonish her and say it was a “run” not a “race”. A race is a competition; this was not a competition. This was not just about running, this was about taking in the Grand Canyon and experiencing all it had to offer. I would stop often to take in the views.  This was a magnificent run not because of the distance but because of the location and grandeur of the Grand Canyon. Yes, I wanted to get this done as quickly as I could, but this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, so it was important to notice the colors of the canyon walls changing. Despite this, when I was heading back my run felt more like a race because time was running out. I had to force myself to stop pushing and take in the views of the sunsetting over the canyon. Later when it was dark I turned off my headlamp and took in the stars of a dark sky. I was in complete darkness with the exception of the stars. I was not scared of the dark but enjoying being in the moment.

8.       There is More in the Tank When You Have No Other Option – After all my grueling races I know my body very well. So, as I sat at the bottom of the canyon by the banks of the Colorado River, I knew I had nothing left in the tank. I was not only done, but what lay before me was the toughest climb of the day. I wanted to stop and if this was a race I would have. This wasn’t a race, this was a journey. I was at my journey’s end. Except that it couldn’t end there. Not unless I wanted to curl up and sleep on the ground. My only option was to hike the six miles straight up and out. As I started up, I was a bit nervous because I felt I may not be capable of what lay before me. Yet even I was surprised by how the mind can take over and make you do more than you think. It wasn’t easy but I made it out. I even ran (albeit very slowly) the last half mile on the road. I had read and know it to be true they say the mind quits before the body.  My mind didn’t let my body quit.

This run was a journey that challenged and changed me. As those two runners noted there are lessons to learn on every trail run.

The Last Grueling Leg of my Grand Canyon Challenge

I was at the last water station, the Phantom Boat Beach, just a short walk from the Black Bridge which led to the South Kaibab Trail. The last but also hardest leg of my rim to rim to rim, Grand Canyon run. I had already run 37 miles. I was exhausted and if this was an ultra-marathon race like a 12-hour race I would have ended my run happy with my effort. Yet I had no choice but to hike out. Running this climb was impossible for me. I was out of options.

I needed to refill my water bladders. Then I was going to eat some snacks to get some calories before the six miles of steep climb some of which would be in the dark. After drinking some water, I took out some gels to get me some energy and electrolytes. I then planned to take out some energy bars. A great plan that my stomach was not in on. I barely got some of the gel in when I immediately threw up. I immediately knew I could not eat and would need to really push myself maybe harder than I ever had before to finish. I am sure that I looked as bad as I felt.

As I was putting on my running vest, I heard a man’s voice “Excuse me excuse” in a German accent. I looked over and saw a family of four. “Hi” I replied.  With a surprised tone in his voice, he asked “Are you just starting your hike to the rim?” I looked over at his family and could tell that I was an object of intrigue to them. Who would be starting a climb like that so late? (It was after 5 p.m.) “Yes” He responded “How long will it take you?” I then said “I am doing the Grand Canyon from the South Rim to the North and back up the south in one day. It will take me over 16 hours.” We then chatted a bit they were from Germany and were just as in awe of the canyon as was I. Not sure why but that friendly conversation motivated me, and I knew I had to go into “badass” mode.

I crossed the Black Bridge and took a long look at the Colorado River, knowing it may be the last time that I will be this close to it. The six mile hike out of the canyon is extremely steep. I just kept moving slowly but steadily. I did, however, have to stop and get my breath back. While I had plenty of water, I knew that I would be going through it fast on this climb.

At this point, I was not a joyous runner like before, snapping pictures and taking videos.  I was more in survival mode now. Despite that survival mode I did often stop and take in the views as it kept changing with the setting sun. The canyon has a way of making you stop and take in Mother Nature. I also messaged my wife through my Garmin InReach that it would take a while to get out.

A couple of miles into my climb I passed a young couple with heavy backpacks resting along the trail. I was surprised that I would see someone else. I thought I was the only one who would be on the trail this late. We exchanged greetings. I was hoping that they were on their way down because with those packs and the look of exhaustion on their faces it would be near impossible to get out. A little later I passed a father and a son hiking up the trail. The son seemed to be college age and was walking ahead of his father than waiting for him. We exchanged admiration of the views as the sun was setting. The father asked me “Are  you going to the rim?” which to me was a stupid question. There was no other option on this trail unless you were going to curl up and sleep on it. I almost gave a wiseass remark but reframed and said yes. I was worried about them because they were dressed for a short hike and seemed in over their head.

The wind began to really pick up for the last three miles which were in the dark. I had to take off my hat because it was about to blow off several times and I grabbed it just in time. I thought of putting on a long sleeve shirt or jacket, but I really was not cold because I was working so hard. With darkness and only guided by my headlamp it was a slog up the canyon. The wind was still howling, and it even blew the tips of my trekking poles. This sometimes meant that they did not land where I wanted them to.  I had never been in such strong winds on a run or hike before. I thought of that father and son and hoped that they had headlamps. I followed the trail up and up. Occasionally seeing a spider or other bug. I was startled when a rat scurried two feet in front of me.

I stopped often to rest and when I did, I would turn off my headlamp and look at the stars. I also glanced down the trail to see if I could see the lights of that father and son. Yet it was just total blackness.

I tried to message my wife that I was a short distance from the trailhead, but my phone had died. I would call her when I got to the trailhead. Less than a mile from the top I met two women who were just starting their rim2rim2rim. A strange time I thought since it was after 9PM. They would spend most of their time in the canyon in the dark. Then again maybe their return would be easier. Though you will miss a great amount of the grandeur of the canyon.

When I got to the South Kaibab Trailhead, I took a wrong turn and headed to where the mules are kept. I eventually found the parking lot and took out my phone to call my wife when the phone rang, and it was her. I told her I was at the top and would meet them where she and our friend Ed had dropped me off about a half mile from the trailhead. (Private cars could not drive to this trailhead.) I started walking the road but then broke into a jog.

I got to the end of the road before them and just waited. I was out of water and was craving a Gatorade. I messaged them that I wanted that. Luckily when they arrived they had a Gatorade for me. I looked like hell and felt even worse. I was tired. When we got back to our hotel room they tried to take care of me. I am sure that my friends Ed and Sue were stunned to see how awful I looked. My wife has seen me come home a mess many times after  grueling ultra-marathons but this was a new sight for them. My wife presented me with a finisher medal for the run. She knows how much I love my run bling.

Even though my stomach was empty, I could not eat. All I did was down liquids—Gatorade, lemonade, orange juice and a beer.  Then I took a shower and went to bed.

I have run 100 miles, 50 miles, ultras in snow, rain, and in the mud. Yet this run may have been the hardest run I ever did. That last climb tested me because I had nothing left in the tank but still went on. It is amazing how much you can accomplish when you have no other option.

Experiencing the Grand Canyon

When I took up running shortly after turning 50, one of my goals was to get in shape for when I was 75. I used to say that I did not want to drive to a scenic spot on the top of a mountain but hike to it. Take it from me, the view from the mountain top is better if you get there by using your own two feet rather than a car.

As I was walking around the south rim of the Grand Canyon there were throngs of people taking in the awesome views. It was spectacular. They were taking photos of each other using the Grand Canyon as a backdrop to make their photos even more impressive.

I, however, wanted more. I wanted to experience the canyon, not just look at it from the top. So, at the age of 65 I decided to run the Grand Canyon rim to rim to rim (Also referred to as rim2rim2rim) a distance of over 43 miles. I had trained for this run and felt confident but knew that it would not be easy at all. Yet the anticipation and anxiety that I described in a previous blog was gone when I got out of my friend Ed’s car at 3:55 a.m. and ran down the road about half a mile to the South Kaibab trailhead. It was a cold night, but I knew I could remove my jacket and go in a t-shirt once I reached the bottom. I have never been on this trail and had only read about it. Yet I was excited to head into the dark with only my headlamp showing me where to go. Even though I was going downhill my pace was slower than usual. It was dark and that made me slow down to make sure I did not fall. Plus, it was a difficult path to run. I found that the downhill steps on the trail were at unusual distances apart, so my gait was slower than normal. I usually am very good at the downhills but this time I found my pace slower.

Even when the sun began to rise, I did not quicken the pace. Part of that was because I was taking pictures and videos with my cell phone. For some reason the GoPro camera was not working. I was annoyed because I had counted on that for most of my videos. Even without taking pictures I would stop and take in the views. The coloring of the canyon walls kept changing as the sun rose.

After crossing the famed Black Bridge over the Colorado River, I headed towards Phantom Ranch. I had read so much about Phantom Ranch that somehow in my head I pictured it to be a rather modern facility. But I found they were comfortable cabins but rather rustic. It was not to be confused with the celebrated and elegant El Tovar hotel at the top of the south rim. I filled my one water flask that I had used on the way down, took off my jacket and ate a snack. I was disappointed in my time; I was running about 30 minutes behind what I anticipated.  I hoped I could pick up the pace on the rather flat stretch ahead of me along Bright Angel Creek.

I loved this section of the run. The roar of rushing water from the creek accompanied me for the next six miles or so. I also ran through what they call the “box” which is a section where the canyon narrows and it is basically the Bright Angel Creek, the North Kaibab Trail, and the canyon walls. While I was warned about the heat in the “box,” I found it shady, cool and very pleasant. Even though it was enjoyable my pace was still lagging behind my normal trail pace. I was not sure why. I had been very sick the week before so maybe I was not at 100%.  I also had lingering symptoms of the cold, including a stuffy head that required me to stop and blow my nose several times.

I really liked the North Kaibab Trail. The “box” was pleasant and hearing the creek flow was lovely. Then the trail opened up and the walls of the canyon were farther apart and it was a different run. But I still was running slower than usual. I arrived at Cottonwood campground before 9 a.m. and was hoping that I could refill my water flask, but the water was off. I had read that it was off but hoped that by some miracle they had turned it on and forgot to post it. It was a nice campground although the lack of water made it very rustic. The signs said “be quiet” which I obeyed. Then again there was no one to talk to. I headed to Manzanita where I knew that there would be water. While I had plenty of water at the moment, I was going through it fast.

It was a steady but not steep climb to Manzanita. Again after reading about it I expected something larger because of its importance to runners and hikers. It is a vital stop because it has water and port-a-potties. It also had a picnic table. I had passed a few hikers along the way but no runners. I was beginning to suspect I was the last rim2rim2rim runner that day.  This would be my last water stop until I returned on my way back so it was about six miles of a steep climb to the North Kaibab Trailhead at the north rim of the Grand Canyon. The north rim was closed for the season and the water was turned off at the top so I would have to make my water last. I had more than two liters of water, so I thought I would be okay.

The climb up to the top of the north rim was difficult. Not only was it steep but there were sections in which the trail was only about four or five feet wide and there was a cliff drop on one side that kept me from looking out across the canyon walls. The top of the North Rim is over 8,000 feet of elevation so my climb was about 6,000 feet. I was definitely struggling. I was also going through my water at an alarming rate. I was contemplating turning back about a mile from the rim to save time because I could see that it was going to take me 8 hours to get to the rim, which meant probably at least a nine-hour timeframe to return.

I, however, did make it to the north rim and rested a bit. There was some snow on the north rim which was why it is not open until May 15^th. As I was sitting two runners appeared also doing the rim2rim2rim. They were from Texas and Virginia. We talked a bit and I found that they had left at 5:30 a.m. so they were moving faster than I. I had limited water but enough to get back to Manzanita if I was smart. I did have the option of running a mile to a ranger station and then returning. But adding the mileage and time was not appealing to me. Plus going downhill, I probably would not be exerting as much energy as going uphill.

I said goodbye to my fellow rim2rim2rim runners and headed back down the North Kaibab trail. As I headed down the trail, I quickly came upon two runners a short distance from the rim and a little while later two more runners. So there were seven of us rim2rim2rim runners. I was the only solo. It was obvious to me that very few do this journey solo.

I enjoyed the run down to Manzanita. I felt fairly strong and took in the views and took some videos. I also encountered a man who I passed on the way up who was hiking the Arizona Trail from Mexico to Utah. We encouraged each other on our own separate journeys. I was also passed as I suspected by four of the rim2rim2rim runners. The other two runners never passed me.

When I came into Manzanita all four were there taking a break. I quickly used the bathroom facilities and filled my water bladders. I had another long leg without access to water and it would be sunnier and hotter on my way to Phantom Ranch. As we chatted, we all realized that this run was taking us longer than we anticipated. I had anticipated 14-15 hours but would end up over 17 hours.

I was the first to leave Manzanita because I knew that it would take me a lot longer than the four younger runners. As I left I said “I will see you later when you pass me.”  Both sets of runners did pass me a few miles down the trail. I also was hoping that I could get to Phantom Ranch before 4 p.m. so that I could grab their world-famous lemonade and a snack before my last big push up the South Kaibab Trail. It would be a long shot, but it gave me a goal to push myself harder. It ended up being a mistake. I was starving and should have eaten more at Manzanita instead of pushing myself.

I soon realized that Phantom Ranch before 4 p.m. was a dream. I was now both physically and emotionally spent. Despite my fatigue and being a bit despondent about my time I enjoyed the moments of shade in the “box.” As I entered Phantom Ranch, I was very tired. That big push to get there had drained me. I tried to see if I could find a snack but to no avail.

I was contemplating my options. I had my credit card with me. Maybe I could see if there was a cabin available and get a good meal and sleep and head out early in the morning. No, I thought I needed to finish this. So, what if it takes me until the wee hours of the night. I headed to the water station for the last but most difficult leg of the journey.

I was fully experiencing the Grand Canyon –not only its beauty and awe but its difficulties and harshness. Sometimes those qualities of beauty, awe, harshness and difficulty all coexist in one place.

Next Blog The Last Grueling Leg Out of the Canyon

A Runner’s Grand Canyon Resfeber

Resfeber Definition: The restless race of the traveler’s heart before the journey begins, when anxiety and anticipation are tangled together. (Swedish term)

I came across the word resfeber at a 24 hour race I was entered in. It was on the back of the race shirt we got at the race. I loved the term. There is no word in the English language that quite captures one’s mood just before a journey as this one does. While the word is focused on traveling and literally translates to “travel fever” I think it also applies to difficult ultra marathons. They may not involve traveling like when one is on a vacation, but they definitely constitute a journey.

I had set my sights on running the Grand Canyon from the south rim to the north rim and back to the south rim. It would not be the longest run I had ever attempted but it would be a very difficult challenge because of the steepness of the climbs and descents. In addition, the weather could change dramatically from the top of the canyon to the bottom. There would be swings of temperature of more than thirty degrees. In addition, I would need to be self-sufficient, carrying my own food and gear. It would also be a solo journey.

I was at a family Easter party and every so often someone would ask me about the run. People are naturally intrigued by the distance, terrain and the location. While I usually like to regale others with running stories, I was done discussing this story. I had done my research and training and just wanted to do it. I was also a bit nervous as I usually am in anticipation of any difficult run.  I feel very ready but still have to wait.

As I write this paragraph, I am on a jet heading to Phoenix. I will land and spend a night with friends in Scottsdale, then a day later head to the Grand Canyon. The resfeber is building. I feel that mix of anticipation and excitement, but it is mixed with anxiety because I know of the difficulties that lie ahead.

I am wondering what it will feel like to peer out over the Grand Canyon the day before my run knowing that I will be heading down in the dark the next morning. I will have a mini entourage to the Grand Canyon. My wife and our friends Ed and Sue will also go. It will be a long drive to the Grand Canyon. I feel a bit guilty because they are all traveling to the canyon to help me fulfill my adventurous journey.  I know that what I am doing is a bit unique and sometimes it is hard to explain to others, especially people in my age group. Most are thinking of slowing down and I am feeling like speeding up.

I did a short six mile run in the desert setting outside of Sue and Ed’s home in Scottsdale. It felt good after spending all day on a plane and sitting around. It was cool, probably the low fifties or high forties. My running felt a little off. I was not running smoothly. I had been sick the week before but felt I had recovered. However, my routine had been affected. I was not in the moment. My anxiety and anticipation was distracting me.

As we got off the shuttle bus and headed to the ranger station at the top of the south rim, we realized that they were closing. My friends thought it was important to get as much information as I could about the weather. I knew that park rangers were not very enamored with rim2rim2rim runners so I was hesitant to really discuss anything with them that might give me away. So, I saw a friendly ranger and asked her where was the best place to park for the South Kaibab trailhead? I don’t remember who asked but they asked about the weather at the bottom because I was running the rim to rim to rim. Her demeanor immediately changed. “We don’t recommend that anyone do that. It is extremely hot at the bottom. We expect it to be 95 degrees tomorrow.” Now that did not jive with all the reports, I had read but we just walked away.

If her idea was to plant a seed of doubt and maybe change my mind she failed. Though my wife was now hesitant. She said to me “Now Ray don’t do overdo it. Please if it gets to be beyond your ability, it is okay to cut it short.” She knew better than I, that I would push myself as hard as I could. Though as she said loud enough for Ed and Sue to hear “I just wanted to have witnesses that if you don’t make it, I had warned you!” Ed and Sue astutely mentioned that they thought the ranger was trying to scare me by exaggerating the temperature.

As I peered out over the canyon at Mather Point. I have to admit I was in awe because from that vantage point it looked impossible to get down the canyon let alone traverse it. Yet there was only one way that I could eliminate the resfeber. That was to start down the trail. After that it would be like many other difficult runs managing the issues that arise and pushing and motivating myself to keep going.

Yet I hadn’t started the run, and my heart was racing with nervousness. The side effect of this is that sleeping the night before a major run is always difficult. I closed my eyes and dreamt about my upcoming journey.

The next morning, I had no resfeber. It was go time.

Being Miserable Makes for a Perfect Training Race

I had already run over 21 miles and my stomach had almost revolted when I tried eating a short while ago. Yet I continued on. I did not have time to sit and rest until I felt better.

I had to figure out a way to keep moving despite it being difficult keeping the food down. I also had a major climb ahead of me that would sap some of my energy. I was feeling like crap. However, I was thinking that this was a perfect run for me precisely because I was miserable. That is because I needed to be challenged and pushed if I wanted to complete my upcoming challenge in a few weeks.

When I run a trail race the one thing I always try and focus on is being present in the moment. Enjoying the trail, maybe snapping a few photos to document the beauty of the course. Trail running has taken me to parks that I would never have visited without entering a race. It is a belief I have in life as well: Be present in the moment. Sometimes we dwell on the past and fret about the future, and do not enjoy the present.

Try as I might, I couldn’t quite keep that “present” feel on a recent trail ultra marathon. It was the Spring on the Trail 12 Hour Race. The race is located in the Hudson Valley region New York State. It is a beautiful course and I did snap a few pictures, but at times my mind was more than 2,300 miles away on the South or North Kaibab Trails of the Grand Canyon. These are trails my feet have never transversed—yet.  In a few weeks I will be doing the Grand Canyon Rim-to-Rim-to-Rim, a distance of between 43-47 miles depending on your route.

I signed up for the race in the Hudson Valley to get in almost the same amount of miles as the Grand Canyon, but I got more than I bargained for. It was more difficult than I anticipated partly because I didn’t study the course enough and partly because things just go wrong in ultra races.

What surprised me about the course was how much elevation it had. (Of course, had I studied it, it would have been apparent.)

There was an elevation rise of almost 600 feet per loop and I would end up doing fourteen loops. That’s more than 8,000 feet of climbing. Those 600 feet of elevation were packed into about a mile and a half climb. This long climb, while much shorter than the two long climbs I would do at the Grand Canyon, was about as good as it gets in my area to train for long vertical climbs. Since this was a loop run I did not really need to take in the views every time. I could pretty much put my head down and pretend I was at the Grand Canyon doing those two long steep ascents. I was pretty good on these climbs, moving rather steadily even after forty miles.

Yet that mistake on my part was a blessing because it was great training for the Grand Canyon run. Even my digestive issues around halfway through were a blessing. I had to figure out how to keep moving when eating was nearly impossible. While on this race I had an aid station plus my own food at my car, at the Grand Canyon the only fuel I will have is what I can carry with me on the run. I had been eating something small every six miles or so but then made a mistake by skipping a meal and trying to eat more to make up for it.

It was also warm day, and then I ate a warm, almost hot pickle at the aid station. Normally pickles can provide a runner with much-needed sodium but this one made me feel queasy. I just walked a bit and ran slowly till my stomach settled down. Lesson learned: Don’t eat a pickle that that has been sitting in the sun after running over 20 miles.

I finished my thirteenth lap and had time for the fourteenth. While I was running this lap, I met a woman who was on the same lap as me. She decided not to do another lap because she had a long ride home. I thought about my Grand Canyon run and realized that there was no option to cut a run short. As I came to this last lap the weather had changed dramatically. It was much colder and began to rain, plus it was getting dark. I was almost gleeful that I had to put on my rain gear and a head lamp. I knew on my Grand Canyon Run I would need to run with my headlamp, so I was happy to take it out. While I don’t anticipate a cold rain at the canyon, it is possible, plus running in miserable weather is always a good training practice.

My legs were tired. My body was wet from the rain and sweat. My stomach was still a little off. It was dark and I needed my headlamp to pack up. I had a long ride home—almost two hours in heavy rain. However, I was very happy with my performance and felt ready for the Grand Canyon. I covered about the same amount of ground as that run in eleven and a half hours.

My putting my head down and plowing ahead made me faster. There was one other lesson on this run. At one point at a beautiful overlook after about ten loops I decided to walk out away from the trail to take a picture. Previously it had been crowded with day hikers. After I took a couple of photos and as I headed back I saw this man-made mini altar. It had a Buddha in the middle, a golf ball, painted rocks, a rainbow heart, and other interesting trinkets.  I laughed and took a picture. Lesson learned. Yes, it is important to plow ahead on a physical quest, but one should take the time and be present in the moment or you might miss something.  I vowed that when I am in the Grand Canyon, I will not blindly push on but take moments to stop and take it all in.

My Cat Angel -Four Pounds of Fur but a Ton of Love, Laughter, and Life

 Part Three – Saying Goodbye to Angel

 

If you haven’t figured it out by reading my previous two blogs about my cat. I am a softy and a bit of a sap when it comes to my cats. What might surprise you is that originally I did not want cats. I told my wife that I was a dog person. These three cats I rave about were the only cats I ever had.  Though I know I will have others because of them.

Having cats is different than having dogs. In the relationship between human and feline it is the cat the determines the rules for affection and love. Some cats refuse to lay on your lap while others get angry when you get up. Some cats you can pick up and cuddle others squirm the minute you begin lifting them up. I abided by the rules for all three cats though Angel was a little different. She demanded that you pay attention to her and did not take no for an answer no matter how busy you were. So, I naturally relented to her wishes. Which led to me becoming a cat caregiver.

It was not very long after Midnight’s death that Angel began to age quickly. She seemed to go from a frisky playful cat to an old and slow cat in months. She would walk very slowly and was not nimble at all, especially for a cat. She also would follow us closely in the kitchen. We ran into her often and just brushing her with our legs would knock her over.

We took her to the vet, and she had a growth in her body but at her age there really was little that could be done. What we did do however was get some high protein food and supplements to give her strength. She was also much smaller now. She was only four pounds, she used to be six pounds. She needed calories. We also had thyroid medicine to give her. The main thing was she was not in any pain just weak.

My morning routine was now set. First, I would cuddle with her for a while. Then I would feed her regular food sprinkled with a protein supplement. A short time later give her thyroid medicine and some treats. Then give her what I called her cat Ensure. A high protein drink. If she was still hungry then feed her some more. Then go for my run.

That was just the morning routine, the same held true for the evening. In the overnight I would check on her and she would sometimes want to cuddle with me and other times she wanted to eat. While her appetite was great, and she was drinking water and having good poops there was a major issue. She would rarely pee in the litter box and the other duty we all hated was cleaning up after her. We had closed off most of the house to her. First, we didn’t want her peeing on the carpet and also she was often getting her claws caught on the carpet stairs.

I was preparing for her passing but doing all I could to keep her alive. I called our house, a feline hospice unit. When I purchased her various foods and supplements, I only purchased a couple of weeks’ worth because I knew she was getting close to the end. This started around the Christmas of 2023. Yet when Christmas of 2024 came and passed my temporary efforts to make her comfortable were working extremely well. I said she was like former President Jimmy Carter who was in hospice for years. Even our vet was amazed that she was still alive.

This constant care for her for over a year predictably drew us even closer. It also made it harder for me to accept the inevitable. This spunky little cat might live forever.

Yet forever came. As we were sitting in our living room with me in my recliner, I had noticed the last two days that Angel was much weaker than normal. The food perked her up but not for very long. I joked with my wife that when she fell asleep on me that she may pee on me because she had little strength. That night I was unfortunately proven right. First, we fell asleep together watching television. When I woke, I noticed I was a little wet. She had peed on me! She was very weak. I carried her with me to the recliner and she and I fell asleep again. I figured I was safe because she had already peed. I noticed that she felt differently on my body. Her body was completely limp. It was if all the muscles in her body were gone. At about 5am I put my hand down on the side of the chair and on the chair covering and it was wet. She had peed again! Luckily missing me but getting the side of the chair covers and the floor. I quickly got up and took the cover off. Noticing that it was mostly on the floor. Cleaned it up and put the chair cover in the wash.

Angel slowly walked around getting a drink of water but then started to just stand and stare. Eventually she stumbled into the litter box to do her duty. I knew the end was near and decided that I would call the vet that day. I was in the recliner hoping she would come to me for some cuddles even though she had slept with me the whole night. Then she fell down and let out a loud meow and was dead. I had never watched a natural death before but knew what it was immediately. It was 6AM and everyone else was asleep. I kissed her and thanked her for being our cat. I found a shoebox and placed her inside it.

I had time to reflect on my Angel because no one else was around. She was the last reminder of my kid’s childhood. We may have all changed but with Angel we had remained the same and treated her the same as when we were younger.

I texted my daughter about Angel and when Patty and Evan came down, we had a good cry. When my cell phone rang and I saw it was my daughter, Lisa, the tears swelled up in my eyes and I could barely get out the words “hello”. We all cried again. Being expected doesn’t make it easier.

When I came down the stairs the next morning, the house felt empty. There was no little white head popping up to greet me. I had plenty of time because there was no cat to take care of. I was lost without my cat duties going through the morning without joy.

That night we started a fire in our fireplace. Which the cats always enjoyed. We were now catless. We were still in shock. My wife said “Angel won the cat lottery when she met you.” Insinuating that her life was much better because of that.

I thought of that fateful day when I switched my lunch plans and Angel ended up in my arms. Of how much we all enjoyed her. I couldn’t imagine the last eighteen years without her. “No” I said, “We won the cat lottery not her.”