A Comeback Needing to Blend the Body and the Mind and Confronting Fear

I have given a few presentations to groups based on my ultra running adventures and why I do ultra marathons. One of my main points that I usually say is that I have eliminated the word later from my vocabulary. If I am thinking I want to do something I need to do it now and not put it off to later. We tend to always wait for the “right time” to do things. So later is too often the easy choice. I would argue (quite convincingly I might add.) that later is the wrong choice during my presentations. Now I feel somewhat like a hypocrite in that all I can think of is what I will be doing later!

That is because I am recovering from a stress fracture and that takes time. If you look at me you would not know that I am injured. I can walk easily, do yard work, go up stairs easily, and even go into a short run easily. Probably that would be enough for most men in their sixties but not me. I want to not just run again but run long distances like ultra-marathons. The motto that hangs on the wall at the Jag One Physical Therapy is Get Back the Life you Love! That means for me rehabbing for later.

I have always believed and chronicled it in previous blogs that the mental game is a key component of completing any grueling race. Staying focused on the goal and not letting obstacles stop you. I have found that is not only true on a race but also on a comeback. It is a combination of mental grit and physical training. A complete blend of body and mind.

I always thought I had a good blend of body and mind when I ran grueling trail races or ultra-marathons but I am finding getting that right blend on a comeback much more difficult. That is because this mental game is different. It is also because I am distracted by fear. Fear that the injury will return. Fear that I may never be able to go back to that life I love. It is hard to have a strong mind when you are filled with fear. Fear also saps your self-confidence. The reason I could complete so many runs was that I had no fear. I could confront any challenge whether it was weather, terrain, or pain and just keep moving forward with confidence. But now fear has me stuck in the same place..

It was time to confront my fear. I had to try and run again. My fear however, is well founded. Because if I come back too soon I could suffer a relapse and then I am starting all over again.

I step out of my car take a few steps and look around the park. It is a beautiful day and a great one for a run. Yet I am nervous. This will be my first run in over three months. Well technically I did run before but that was on an anti-gravity treadmill so I was not at full weight.

I start exceedingly slowly on this completely flat and soft cinder path. Perfect for my first run. As I run I can’t help but concentrate on how my right knee feels. Something I have been doing for months. Every twinge and ache I notice. With every twinge I wonder if the injury has not healed. Then as I run something happens. I can’t recall when it occurred because it is that I realized that I had forgotten about my knee. I was just running and not thinking about my knee. That is a great sign. It is funny but that was when I first started thinking of running again. When I would go through the day and completely forget I was injured.

With every step I took I could feel the fear start to leave my body and my confidence grow. It wasn’t completely gone because I still have to be careful on this recovery. This is the difficult part for me. Normally I push through difficult moments but with this injury I have to also take my foot off the gas pedal and slow down not rev the engine to get through.

That run, was only part one. I had to see how my knee felt that night and the next day. You would think that that would be easy but when you focus on one part every twitch seems serious. Several times I would be walking or even laying down and I would say that pain is not good only to realize it was my left knee that was hurting which was my good knee!  In addition, the ache and pain had to be the same as it was when I had the stress fracture and to be honest, I was having a hard time remembering how the pain felt. Afterall not all pain is the same.

Despite my rather poor self-diagnostic skills my knee seemed okay and I ran again. I should note that these were not straight runs but I would run for ten minutes and the walk for five, The next two times increasing the times of running while decreasing the time of walking. I also never ran back-to-back days.

Even running gently at this public park my mind gets in the way. I am running this flat easy track when I was known for rugged terrain and long distances. I feel like a major league ballplayer now back playing the minor leagues. One time when I stopped running to go into my walk cycle, a runner was coming the opposite way and he tried to be encouraging yelled “Don’t stop keep going!” I was embarrassed that to him I looked like an old man who couldn’t keep up the pace. I yelled back “I have an interval plan.” I felt like stopping him and telling him my whole story.  That way he wouldn’t think that I was just another pathetic old man trying to run. Yet doing that would have been even more pathetic.

Those interval runs had been six or seven miles in length each. While it was obvious I was out of shape because my leg muscles ached much more than my knee after the runs.  I knew if I was careful things should be okay. While the fear is not completely gone, and I will do my comeback slowly, I was confident enough to sign up for a short 5K. Obviously later was not an option.