COVID Dreams or the Lack Thereof

 

“The future ain’t what it used to be”

Yogi Berra

I am reading the book Cork Boat by John Pollack, which takes place at the turn of the century 2000 -01 and is about a man who leaves his job to pursue building a boat made of cork.  It is a true story and a great read.  The first thing that struck me however was a how dated and different the world looked back not that long ago in respects to one’s dreams.  While John Pollack’s was a big dream and while his dream was also in very uncertain the world, what he based his dream on was very certain.  He could count on restaurants being open to supply him his corks. A world where one could travel from state to state without thinking about it. A world where live music was a regular thing.  A world in which wearing a mask was a strange oddity. A world I lived in less than a year ago.

As I read the book I look up at my calendar with grandiose pictures of Zion National Park.  I have a small dream compared to Mr. Pollack.  I want to run a 50k trail race near Zion National Park next year.  Now normally in past years traveling to Utah and running a race is a simple act all you need to do is register for the race, find a place to stay and book a flight. This can all be done with a few clicks of a mouse.   The hard part is finishing the race.  This year however anything in the future is not a sure or simple thing.  I signed up for this race this past April and COVID-19 not only cancelled the race but grounded me at the same time.  Would this happen again I thought.

It is not however missing a race that is the issue.  It is that the future itself is hard to grasp.  I have a hard time thinking of the near future with any certainty.  I know the future was never guaranteed but even simple plans now seem complicated and uncertain. The landscape before us seems continually changing every day and with it the rules to live by, also changing.  It is as if a big pause button has been hit for our lives.

I am one of those people who is always looking ahead to the next adventure, moment, and challenge.  I am an optimist and feel that a happy moment is just around the corner.  That is until now.  Yes, I am very optimistic especially with the positive news about a vaccine, that our nation will overcome this pandemic but I am just unsure of when.

I have taken to living in the present moment. Not looking back to often, and not looking too far into the future either.  It has served me well.  I am able to enjoy my work, my runs, and being home with my family.  While it keeps me from getting too wistful about the past or from fretting too much about making plans for the future, it does come at a cost. 

The cost is that time almost becomes irrelevant as the days, weeks, months, and holidays all pass by with very little excitement or even a difference.  Luckily, I live in a four season area so at least the background changes from spring to summer to fall which helps me keep some semblance of perspective on time.

The other cost is that it is hard to dream.  Dreams need time to be nurtured until they come to fruition.  I don’t mean near impossible dreams of maybe becoming a movie star or professional athlete but let’s not kid ourselves even those dreams are affected.  I mean the everyday dreams we all have of such as large celebrations like retirements, weddings, and family gatherings.  It is hard to plan those events when you can’t find a facility to hold them and even with social distancing protocols some people are too fearful to attend.  I know of people who just got married with very little fanfare because there were too many unknowns in planning a wedding ceremony and reception.

My own family, which relishes a big holiday get together for Christmas, is hesitant on really making plans.  This is for two reasons, first my mother is 93 years old so we are very cautious and second, cases are beginning to rise sharply again and there is a almost a certainty that another spike is emerging.  We will wait and see how things unfold.

I have compared this pandemic to surviving an ultra-marathon of which I have done five.  One of the tricks I used and recommended was to break the race into segments and move from aid station to aid station, not thinking of the overall magnitude of completing fifty or one hundred miles.  While I am using that trick during this pandemic moving from week to week, I know that there is a major flaw in my analogy.  While an ultra-marathon is long and grueling, it does have a designated end.  This pandemic does not.  I am moving steadily from aid station to aid station but no one knows where the finish line is. The miles keep piling up and I am wondering how long I will have to run.

I did however last summer permit myself to dream a little bit.  As I said I signed up again for a 50k trail race near Zion National Park.  I however only dipped my toes in the water I did not dive in head first into the future on this dream.  I just registered for the race and booked a place to stay.  I did not scour the website looking for things to do or book a flight.  I can’t fully commit to my dream because the future is so uncertain and frankly I don’t want to be too disappointed if my dream fizzles because of COVID-19. Is it truly a dream if you cannot commit to it completely?

Optimism however, does not die easily.  I after all did register for the race.  While I did it with some trepidation I am still training for the race and recently started exploring trails to hike in the National Park as well as other sites to see. However, I am still holding back. My wife is even more reluctant to commit.  After all while optimism does not die easily, neither does COVID-19 go away easily.

This is one of the hidden symptoms of COVID-19 even if you are not one of those who buys into it’s danger, it eats at our optimism slowly.  Taking away our future plans, or at least eroding our enthusiasm for building up events.  That battle between my natural optimism and the canceling or altering of fun celebrations rages within me. We spend countless hours discussing if we should get together and how we can get together for the holiday.

In the meantime I will continue running this COVID-19 Ultra.  Living in the present and going from aid station to aid station every week.  That is until one day it will not be an aid station but a finish line.  After all I am still a dreamer.